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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
I'm a social butterfly at the mercy of society.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well said Trent, live for the moment aight? See you around. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Was reading Maison Splendide by Laura Bridgeman and boy oh boy do I luuurve this lesbian play. It's great fun, full of humour and it's really intelligent. The repetitive ideas are in different forms and stuff... hmm... perhaps I should try to spread my wings and be a stage actress someday. I'd love to try to portray such characters and play them with my own style and perhaps infuse some charm in it and maybe I could... okay 'nuff of wishful thinking! I read Two Horsemen by 'Biyi Bendele too and it's sooo hilarious! I recommend everyone to go and read this play. It's marvellous man. It's about these two stupid street-sweepers who talk real big and philosophize utter rubbish. But some of the stuff they say are really touching... no matter, they are a riot man. Go go go read them!! Monday, September 29, 2003
Had a vonderful day. Met people who mattered to me and vell, I'd say this is one of the nicest days ever. Don't know why... it seemed to be like any normal study-day but the chemistry between me and my pals were great. And Dessy and I laughed so much today, it was amazing man! PLUS I looked kinda spastic coz I wore specs today. Must be the specs I tell ya, gotta be the specs man.
-grins- Studied with Sheha at Marina, as I do every single Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She is soooo funny man!! hahahaha! Vokay woman, don't make me laugh tomorrow or else I'll have to go to the toilet more. heh. Trent joined us then she left for school. And she came back within an hour. Coz she had no school. Hai... what a donkey. hahaha! But we got along extremely vell today... smooth operator huh? -giggles- Dessy dropped by in the evening and we slacked for a while then left. Des looked sooooo cute with his hair spiked, wringer tee and all. tee hee... vokay stop gushing woman before your readers vomit blood. -zippit- Met Queen Gloria at Orchard MRT and she gave me a really really pretty keychain with my name on it!!! And the gurl is even holding onto a star coz I luuurve stars!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH BABE!!! I LOVE IT!! This is vhat a best gurl friend is made of man... so sweet! Give me presents even if there's no occasion :) Yeah then had dinner at B.B with Dessy and walked around... you are my favourite tortoise Dessy!! And my favourite candyman too, and my fabourite snaily too, and my favourite... vokay stop crapping woman!! -composing myself- Got home later than usual but parents were cool. Life's great right now. Tee hee... can't wait for Saturday's date!! Sunday, September 28, 2003
Spent the entire day with mom and dad in JB shopping. Awesome I tell ya. We ate like we never ate before. Like, seriously, we were eating every single goddamn hour! hahaha
When you are there, you can really distinguish between the SGians and the MSians. The SGians will argue with the cashier to ask why they never get the free toothbrush they thought they will get. Whereas the MSians will just be like, "Forget it.". The SGians will walk around the food court 10 times and still not know what to order. Then they start ordering 10 dishes and only finish up 1/3 of everything. The MSians just order a plate of rice and sit there for hours finishing it up. The SGians will say in a rather loudish-hush tone "Eh, our money arh, around $5. Today's exchange rate is 218.7. I see NTUC arh, $5.20. Ok buy buy 5 bottles! Here cheap so we buy more!! Quick la boy, take take!!" MSians will just grab what they need and get out. On a personal note, I spent 4 hours in the Giant supermarket. 'Nuff said man. SGians will bargain with the VCD seller for an hour even though its only 5 ringgit per VCD. They were asking for 3 ringgit. I can only look in dismay at my fellow countrymen. I have more but I'm toot ired. har har. Updated photos. Check out folders 'Marina' and 'Dating'. Cheers. Saturday, September 27, 2003
It's 2am and I just spent the past hour battling an evil beetle as huge as my thumb. That thing was flying around noisily, which was pissing me off. PLUS, I was afraid he'll make my gaping, sleeping mouth his home once he decides to get tired of flying.
So I had a solo tennis match; with the beetle as my object for hitting. The cow refused to leave my room so after chasing, hopping, dodging, jumping, missed-aimings, hittings and frustrated sighing for the past 45 minutes - the stupid bug went zzz-zz-zzzzz-ing on my comforter. I happily folded 1 inch of tissue and WHAM! I nabbed the bugger. Sweet success. I scotch-taped and stapled the tissue too, just in case he decides to eat his way out or something... Aww man I can't sleep now. Cursed you beetle...
Dessy called me his 'favourite Barbie doll' -giggles profusely- heehehhe
It was a nice drive back just now... a very happy and poignant moment indeed. I don't wanna describe it in detail here coz I don't want anyone vomitting (har har har) but let's just say it was marvellous. Very chaste and innocent. Slap me for being a hopeless romantic, whatever. We didn't have to say anything or even touch. We just sat in silence and occasionally look at each other and grin from ear to ear. It was a silent mutual understanding. The bond is over-whelming and all I wanted to do was to shout to to the world that every gurl deserves someone like Dessy. You know how bitchy some boys are? Dessy's not like that at all. Gloria's Danial is also not like that. Kejin's Melvin is also not like that. I think we are very blessed. Aren't we, gurls? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sheha's great company. Trent's a distraction but great nontheless. 'Nuff said. Met Dessy at PS to have dinner then went to school. Saw the famous Dawn who's Steve's ex-gurlfriend. I don't know about you guys but she doesn't seem cute to me. Go check her out at PS dear friends!! Heh... Shall upload photos tomorrow... hang on to your panties peeps. I am absolutely mentally drained right now coz I think too much studying is bad for the creative mind. All those facts and figures totally kills your passionately imaginative brain cells man. Jeez people... I feel incomplete. Inadequate. So uninspired. Bland even. I can barely have a decent conversation without staring into space to think about how many topics to go for Econs, or which Trigo formula to use, or what Plath would want us to say about her works. I'm mind-fucked man. I am I am I am. Thursday, September 25, 2003
Ohmygosh. Does this mean I'm kinda psycho or something? --->
Paranoid Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges. Schizoid People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners." Schizotypal Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow. Antisocial A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others. Borderline Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met. Histrionic People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative. Narcissistic Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them. Avoidant Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence. Dependent Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed. Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
YOU BITCH. YOU JUST HAD TO GIVE THE CODE TO MUTHA FUCKIN' C**** FUCKEE DIDN'T YOU?? I'M SO GODDAMN PISSED AT YOU; I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, HEAR FROM YOU, ANYTHING! s**** TOOK THE TROUBLE TO FIND THAT CODE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED IT. THEN YOU DECIDED TO USE SOMEONE ELSE'S CODE. SO SINCE IT'S S****'S CODE, SHE DECIDED TO GIVE IT TO ME. AND YOU GAVE IT TO C***** FUCKEE!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? HAVEN'T YOU HAD ENOUGH OF PISSING THE SHITE OUT OF ME??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? IT WAS S****'S CODE AND SHE CHOSE TO GIVE IT TO ME! WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO GIVE IT TO HER??? I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW I CAN CRY!!! I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT A DARLING YOU ARE THEN S**** MESSAGED ME AND TOLD ME THAT C***** ACTIVATED S****'S CODE. DAMN IT! I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY AT YOU MAN. I REALLY AM.
(names are not revealed to protect the victims and the victimisers.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck lah. I'm too angry to talk about what a great day yesterday was... here's bits of the nosh anyways... I took care of Aishah the enitre day and I caught a bad flu from the wretched cats. Aishah loved my presents and she loves me too. -heart warms- Waited for Trent for 30 minutes then she appeared with the cute French blonde chick. I love the way she says 'Halooo'. So cute. Went to get buttons at Penin again then went to scool. I love Trent's belt. Des fetched me from school and we had a great laugh during the drive home... I love Dessy boy to bits... uh huh. Called Gloria and we spoke for like 40 minutes. Thanks for listening to me dearie... and I'm sorry if I was a dissapointment or something... take care and see ya soon! Yeah. And Flo? Well, I don't wanna say anything anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know lah okay... maybe I'm PMS-ing or something. I'm so goddamn pissed at everyone and I'm at this super-sensitive stage so I think it's best all of you back off for a week or two... just don't call me. Just don't talk to me. Applies to everyone but Des ( coz he's my boyfriend) and Sheha (coz she's my study-buddy). Tuesday, September 23, 2003
My current favourite word is ANNOYING. It's been a daily-usage thingy for a month now. I'll go 'So anoooooying...' 'Blah blah blah anoooooying...' Yeap. Just to let you know that -grins-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know what's wrong with you. I tell you stuff because you're such a close friend. We see each other on a weekly basis. How can you have the heart to say that about me for the entire world to see? I talk about everyone and everything. You just chose to pick on her because she's a fellow dyke. And I expect you tell me stuff too because it's only fair - I tell you, you tell me. Jeez... you can pick and choose which bits of info you wanna tell ya know, but don't hide everything from me. It's so hurting whatever you said on your goddamn oh-so-cool&important LiveJournal fuckeroo. It does. What's wrong with you? If you aren't happy, why not tell me? Why be so nice to me then I trust you and blabber everything, and you turn around to bombard me on your site. Why? If you had wanted me to shut up, just say so. Don't encourage me to talk. Easy as that. Monday, September 22, 2003
Todays a grrreat day -beaming with eer... happiness- hahaha
Spent the day studying with Sheha at Marina then Trent came. -wags finger at Trent- I can't believe you said that about ME. I'm so mad at you!!! -sticks out tongue- hehehe Then Dessy came to meet me and we took photos... shall upload later!! He looks soooo cute today!! -giggles endlessly- He had like, a haircut and he was wearing that 'Powerpuff' NOOB wringer tshirt. hahaha!! What a cutie... Dessy Dessy!! Hope you're having fun at the party, aight? So Trent sent me home since Dessy ahd to go to some party... and I saw her friends. Like, her French blonde friend was major hot man. All these time when she told me about the French and Brazillian models in her class, I thought she was bullshitting. And there with her, crossing the road and talking to her, was the hot blonde French lady!! Like, ohmygod!!! I didn't even dare to look at her man... I feel so wasted next to her. hahaha ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So eerm... to you. Why do you have to choose between me and that? You can have the best of both worlds, innit? I don't want you to be going through such emotional turmoil coz a nice fella like you don't deserve it. But I don't want your leaving to be a wake-up call either. Please tell them no worries man. Rest assured you'll be on their side for the rest of your life. And you should stop chiding yourself. You want to do the right thing but nobody said that doing the thing that makes you happy is wrong... please don't make a decision that involves only 1 answer. So please, I urge you to accept both worls with no questions. I want you to be happy as much as you do... what's the point of continuing this when your heart is in shambles? So please, embrace both me and that. Please. Sunday, September 21, 2003
Heard Eugene's gig at JB yesterday went well. Congratulations Geneie-boy!! And pleaseeee don't yell those kinda stuff again!! hahahaha
 My inner child is sixteen years old!
Saturday, September 20, 2003 Aphrodite/Eros ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla Yesterday was nice to the max -smiles merrily- Firstly, Gloria called me -wide grin- Yay!! I'm like so glad she's okay with me man... see you next week for the haircut when Jack gets back babe!! Went down to Heeren to meet Flo then I accompanied her for dinner. You silly cow... so mean to me!!! Urgh :) I think she looks nicer in black hair rather than dyed pink/purple/blue/blonde/whatever-other-colour-she's-dyed hair coz ya know, with such colours on your head, you look so juvenile sweets. -sniggers- Met Aidah & Rashid, the ever-lasting couple, later in the evening; to have dinner at Cuppage. Rashid gave us a major treat of yummy food, so thank you tonnes Rashid and thank you millions to Aidah for the Econs TYS. Rashid nagged at me, as usual. And he still hasn't forgotten the horsey jokes, which I find amusing now since it's like a one ear in, one ear out thingy. heh... Oh! I think Aidah's highlights looks good on her and Rashid looks good after losing so much weight (until he can fit into his very old Levis. hahahha). Dessy came to fetch me after that and there was an awkward moment coz ya know... Rashid and Dessy aren't exactly chatty friends. So went to Heeren to say bye to Flo and walked around a bit... then headed to school. It was really funny coz Dessy had to eer... do some business. And let's just say the school wasn't very accomodating. So he went home to finish what he had to finish, and I walked to the MRT, and he came by 20 minutes later to fetch me. When he drove me home, he was in a much happier mood coz his eer... business was settled. hahahaha! Because of this, Colin told Des 'Sometimes I really don't understand you.' hahahaha He later went to meet Colin and Ray at Jalan Kayu and yea... Colin called to chit chat for a while... Was nice though coz I haven't spoken or seen him in a long time... But next time please don't call me when you're driving dear! I don't want men to die because of me... heh heh heh So sorry to Andrew, Ashik and Ivan! I was already late yesterday man... so sorry I backed out last minute. So did you guys get the vouchers? heh heh heh... Friday, September 19, 2003
Congrats to Shawn for passing your driving man :) You're like the only person I know who passes on the first exam. heh...
Ilham sent me his photo and ohmygosh... he's like super cute now. He used to wear like, tapered pants and stuff, but now its like *drools* Check out his photo coz I uploaded it. Added some new photos of Dessy's hamster (called Medium) and my dead cat ( called Bigfoot) too. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Met up with Andrew, Asyik and Hashim to study at Mac's yesterday. It was great man seeing them after so long... thanks Andrew dearie for the notes! I shall not forget your birthday prezzie of 3 for $10 disposable underwear ok? So exciting right??? Hehehe... I spent the rest of the evening with Mom. Not going to delve into it but let's just say it was spiritually relaxing... Dessy went jamming with NOOB and I heard it was 'satisfying and climaxing' from Eugene and Des. hahaha! Boys boys boys... if making music earns such a description, I don't know what ahem ahem would be described as by you guys. -laughs hysterically- Gloria Queenie, please forgive me. Sigh... meet me when you can aight? To Ivan, I hope your Mom gets well soon. Meantime, take care. See you soon. Trentie oi. Where are you?? Call me woman. I don't dare to call your house coz ya know... your family seems to be out to eat me man. Heh. Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Met up with Kejin and Pam in town to chit chat... had a good laugh :) Thanks for meeting me Kejin... good luck for your project work!
We dropped by Heeren to see Flo at her workplace... that cow took my favourite 'Pussy' badge!!! -growls- Okok I shall find more buttons for you sweets since you like them... how about one that says 'I Love Bums'? -grins conspiratorially- It was really nice to hang with her during her cigarette break.. had such a laugh! She looked cute enough to be hammered, and hell yeah did I hammer her! hehehe... Before I met the gurls, I lost my $20... I guess I dropped it from my pocket while I was taking out my EZ Link. I was so pissed I could scream man... I nearly lost my mobile too at Coffee Bean. Thank God Pam picked it up for me... thanks dear!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dad's car will cost him 15,000 goddamn buckeroos to repair coz the hood and the boot went up in a huge smoke last last Sunday. So hmm... I think I shall just stare with my mouth gaping at that $15,000 figure again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cheer up Gloria dearie. You sound like you've caught the depressive bug from me.... heh heh. Take care babe. ------------------------------------------------------- Attention people; call my mobile if there's anything coz my home phone ain't working. The ringer's gone off the hook... literally. ------------------------------------------------------- Was in a really bitched mood so I wrote some nasty stuff about this Post-Modernist world and about the victory in death because one gets a release from this morbid world thingy; but I decided not to uplaod my thoughts coz everyone's depressed enough as it is, and I don't want you guys to frown more because of my redundant lil ideas... Tuesday, September 16, 2003
I've uploaded new photos... hmm... yeah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Had a nice long talk with Kejin online yesterday. I'm so relieved and happy that everything's fine now... oh jeez sweets, I'm so sorry I made you so upset. -slaps myself hard in the face- Ivan called and we had a long talk too. Thanks dearie... you really are the type of male best friend every gurl should have. Best part is, you're not even gay. -laughs merrily and sticks out tongue at you- Hmm... what else... oh, Hello to Andrew and hope you can make it on Thursday. Ivan too!! To Gloria, sorry about my absence. As you can see, high drama has been going on in this lil show called 'Luxie's Life'. Heh. Eer... Flo can you puh-leeze stop typing like that??? Jeez woman... I'm going cross-eyed!! -grumblegrumblegrumble- Hello to Eugene NOOBie!!! hahahaha Oi to Trent. You don't have to change the names on your script coz I sort of like the idea of my name being used, in full glory at that too. heh heh heh. And Dessy darl, so sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to keep secrets from you... I didn't mean to make you upset either. Just figured that certain things are better left unsaid, ya know? But since you are my boyfriend, I guess you have every right to know... so yeah. I'll explain in detail next time I see ya :) Monday, September 15, 2003
Oh shite.
I deleted my blog without saving the template. Now all links are gone.. my beautiful template I worked on for hours is gone... everything's gone... I'm so upset I can cry... I'm so sick and tired of running away and changing blogs. Oh jeez... I'm just so sick and tired...
Sigh... so much problems now.
Please take away my link from your blogs people. Thanks. Was a great day... not going to delve further into it though... Not in the mood... not in the mood at all.... So fucking upset and pissed. I don't know which problem to start clearing first... Sigh... By the way, major thank you to Rashid and Aidah and Jared and Ivan and Andrew and Kejin for being lovely. Sunday, September 14, 2003 I'd like to thank everyone who was concerned for me. I am sorry I didn't inform anyone my whereabouts because I didn't want to be a burden to any of you. To Trent who accidentally found out, sorry babe. I really didn't mean to trouble you. Million thanks to Dessy boy for all the help, company and reassurance. I'm sorry to put you in such an undesirable spot. Just want to let you know that Friday was amazing. Thanks for everything sweets... I'll never forget it ever. I'm so blessed to have beautiful friends. I love you guys man. Poor Gloria was so upset she cried. Trent was so upset she didn't eat and sleep. Sheha consoled my mom like an angel. Is tried calling around to get through to me. Aidah and Rashid called to check on meand my Mom. Eugene called his Starbucks pals to ask about the safety of the airport. Wan and Faz looked out around town for me. My bro and his pals went around searching for me and ended up sleeping in my room coz they were exhausted. My uncles and aunties prayed, even though some were in Malacca. My cousins went around the internet leaving messages in search for me. I feel absolutely blessed. I'm sorry if I left out anyone's caring gestures... I'm so sorry for doing that. I can't believe all the trouble you guys went through for me. I'm so sorry to cause so much unnecessary worry... I'm speechless. I can only say thank you for caring and I love you guys. ----------------------------------------------------- To Kejin, I'm sorry I was such a bitch. Please forgive me. Whatever I said must've hurt so bad, but trust me. It wasn't what I meant... when I'm angry, I say things that burns. But they are just fiery words, they don't have any heat in them i.e. I didn't mean what I said. Sorry babe... Saturday, September 13, 2003 I got home but nobody was home. Mom was at the police station making a report. The police called Des. Jeez honey... I'm so sorry about that. I had a 14 hour sleep the minute I got home. What a good life man... Heh. I hugged mom and dad when I got home. She cried. Dad cried too. I felt so bad man... bro's mad at me. He's ignoring me. Oh well... I can't have everything perfect, can I? Rashid Aidah called and asked mom if I got home in 'one-piece'. I find that absolutely amusing coz ironically, I was one-piece physically. But emotionally I was all over the place. Friday, September 12, 2003 Flashes (To Des) The light flashed green Things weren't right. You pulled over, Silver tears spilled from me. I wish I didn't yell. Anger flashed in your eyes. Undeserving words flew. I felt I'm better off dead. Sometimes I'd sneak out, Just to hear you whisper my name. Flashing back now, I'm sorry I wasn't alright. Sitting here alone in the cold, Thoughts of you and me flashed. Some things are meant to be untold, But some things just don't work for me. We've been to the downside of lows, And the upperside of highs. Over and over your smile flases. I can never leave your side. ----------------------------------------------- Every step that I take is a mistake. I've become so wrong. All I want is to be me, Not what you want me to be. Why can't you see that You're suffocating me? All that I do is not good enough. Whatever others do is better. I tried to fit your mould. I obeyed and played your game. Failed pathetically. I give up. I hold on tight for my sake. Refusal to fall into your emptiness Engulfs me. But you don't know what I feel. I will sell my soul. Lose my mind. Lose myself. I can't let go of what's left of me. I am beautiful but not in your eyes. I bled and you never noticed. I never asked for high hopes and dependency. You smother me. I fought for my breath. I've given up. I'm giving in. I'll suffocate for you now. The End. ------------------------------------------------ Now I just want to shout Whatever done's done. Don't kill me for something you started. Coz I just wanted to be free. I'm not having fun. My eyes are sore, I hate these stiff, plastic seats. I don't need a place to call my own, All that's longed for is privacy. I can't control my brain. You can't change what I feel either. It's difficult to live like this I'm a comforter-and-air-con gurl. This life is tough, I can't sleep. I can't study. The lights are blinding. I just want to go home. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? ---------------------------------------------------------- Sorry if my writing's disjointed... wasn't exactly thinking straight when I was all alone in the cold with awful unwashed hair, ya know? Thursday, September 11, 2003 I'm so miserable and the muzak ain't helping man. I'm so cold, my nails are purple. I'm so hungry, my tummy growls every 20 minutes. I'm so tired, I don't even care I look so fucked in my specs and unwashed clothes. My body aches so bad, I can't even feel my legs but I can feel tremendous pain in my back. I've been sitting here, staring for hours. I don't even know why I'm doing this. All this emotional and physical pain... is it worth all the effort? People stared at me. Probably wondering what's this gurl in her MANGO top, Levis jeans, Exodus slippers, Crumpler bag and discman, sleeping where the vagabonds reside? All alone on a weeknight at that too... When I was studying at BK til 2am, I was the only gurl. All around me were foreigners or boys studying. Everyone's with somebody, except for me. Me. Young. Gurl. Alone. 2 a.m. I was freezing so my lips and nails turned blueish-purple. I was so miserable I cried. So the BK manager asked if I was alright. Tearfully, I said "I'm so cold.. brr... brr..." so he gave me free tea. At 1 am, I was sort of out of my mind so I was like, "I'm Indian too (coz he was Indian.)" And he was like "Eer... yes Ma'am, good." I can't believe I said something that dumb man. Anyways, BK staff rocks. LJS staff sucks. But now I'm at the Viewing Area, with a beautiful view. For once, I don't feel fear when I don't see high-rise buildings. All I see now is the gorgeous vast sky, countless yellow lights, 7 airplanes of different sizes, lots of tiny vehicles and a reflection of a dishevelled me. This is such an experience... It's amazing. The vans look like such adorable little things, zooming around at full speed. Whenever they appeared from underneath or behind an airplane, it looks like as if the airplane just gave birth to a cute lil happy baby vehicle. Jeez... I think it's just 4 am and I ain't getting any sleep. -groans- I feel so lonely; but I'm too numb from the cold to cry. I'm shivering and I miss my room so much. I miss talking to Mom too… I miss Dad's teasings. And I've been away for only half a day. Hahahaha... I'm such a loser... I ask myself over and over again what the hell am I doing here, sleeping for only 30 minutes the entire night; on a cold and stiff chair? But when I gaze at the marvelous skyline, when I see the planes smoothly gliding off-land, when I see happy lil vehicles zooming around; I am reminded of my goal. I want to be free like them too. ------------------------------------------------ Sunrise was breathtaking. I stood there barefooted for a hour, watching the sky's gradual metamorphosis intently. I guess this would be the last time I'll ever experience this... I savoured every minute, I took note of every detail... Pity there wasn't a camera to capture that moment of splendour. Wednesday, September 10, 2003 Watched 'Legally Blonde 2' with Trent. Thanks for everything babe... was a great time with you. Yeah I regret certain things that occurred but what's done is done; no point brooding over it. Had a huge row with Mom and bro. Sigh... waiting for a chance to leave. ------------------------------------------------------- Was watching a screen adaptation of Oscar Wilde's "An Ideal Husband" on Central the other day. Oh gosh.. I think some things are much better left to be read. Let me share my all-time favourite quote by good 'ol Wilde: "The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything." A tinge of egoism there, innit? Well once I'm considered not-young, I'll hate that quote for the truth it holds. hahaha Tuesday, September 09, 2003 Eer..excuse the weird template. Haven't got it right yet. Argh! Gloria help me!!! I can't seem to get the colour of the links right!! They are like, invisble now, at the bottom of the page. I want them to be white, and to be at the side of this top part!! Not hidden somewhere at the bottom; invisible at that!! - throws a massive tantrum while waiting for Queen Glo to make things right- I'm so proud of myself nontheless coz I did this whole template thingy myself via trial and error for 6 goddamn frustrating hours. Jeez... way to go Lux!! -pats me on the back- Monday, Sep 08, 2003 Went studying with Sheha and saw Trent. Slacked and went to town and bumped into Fazzy wazzy... was a great day really. Trent's a really nice gurl... glad that she's a good friend. -winkwinkwink- posted by KittenishKitsch 12:55 PM Sunday, September 07, 2003 So okay if my poetry makes you cringe, be warned : Don't read any further from this line. Cheerios. ------------------------------------------------ There are times When the nights are lonelier. The stars didn't shine Your presense wasn't felt. And I faced the darkness With open arms and hope. Like an enticing pull of urges I embraced the unknown. With all my heart With all my soul. I like getting lost in it Feels much better than being alone. Swimming through the blackhole, If only it would engulf me. I can only wish and hope. ------------------------------------------------ This is what I live for Moments drowning in your smile, Time spent floating by your touch. The unabashed childlike happiness I feel, Are unthinkable and injusticed by words. This hands are made to touch This eyes are meant to mesmerize. This lips are made to kiss This heart is meant to love. Made and meant only for one. For only you I tear these walls. Walls of seclusion. Protection. Desertion. For only you I feel For only you I'm made real. You. posted by KittenishKitsch 8:33 PM Friday, September 05, 2003 I've added a link at the left side of the page ( PHOTOS GALORE ) to some photos, so yeah. Gloria, Kejin, Trent and Flo, please send me nice recent photos of yourselves that I can upload. Thanks! By the way, if you're looking for a pretty face, check out my friends; definitely not me. haha ------------------------------------------------ Some ass just said I don't look Chindian... What the hell... I can scan my goddamn IC and prove it to ya man!!! ----------------------------------------------- Like, Placebo rocks and Elliot (they are a band, it's not somebody's name. haha)made me feel that being emo is justifiable. When I put Tom Waits' 'Alice' on, I was like floating. Made me dreamy and for a moment there, I sincerely felt that love exists. But the feeling's worn off now... unfortunately. ----------------------------------------------- Flo!! You can't lie in the 5 questions I sent you! Must tell the truth man, like the entire truth... and I shall only serenade you with depressing poetry that will make you want to cry and die, so think again before asking me for that. -evil grin- ----------------------------------------------- See ya for the movie on Wednesday Trent. Can't wait -sticks out tongue at you- posted by KittenishKitsch 9:04 AM Thursday, September 04, 2003 I give up. You're obviously trying to get him. So go. It doesn't bother me at all. (Gloria I think you know who I'm referring to. Yes, HER.) I guess it's called retribution. Is was my ex and now I'm dating Des, who'S his friend. So now my own friend's dating my ex, Jonathan. I guess what goes around comes around... now I know how Is really felt like. Urgh. Serve me right I guess -pulls a loooong sulky face- ------------------------------------------------ Dessy and I had a screaming fit in the car yesterday. Like, real fight for the first time in 5 months man!!! Aww sweets... I'm really sorry I screamed at you. I'm also sorry I made you sooo mad. It was my fault entirely. And no, I'm not going to write in my diary how many times you hurt me. hahaha! But I shall write that yesterday was the 2nd time you got mad at me though. Kidding!!! Tee hee... I was like 30 minutes late and then I said something that made him misunderstood my meaning... so we both got mad. I stared out of the windows with huge tears in my eyes and he drove like never before (which scared me to bits!!) and he honked twice. Fierce sia Dessy boy.... -huge silly grin- posted by KittenishKitsch 5:14 PM Wednesday, September 03, 2003 I hate ass-licking monsters. I do, I do, I do. --------------------------------------------------- Finished 'The Lover', 'Homecoming' and 'The Collection' by Pinter and my my my... Pinter's not only warped, he's brilliant as well. It's shocking man. Absurd too. Such themes are nauseating at times and the characters are plain pathological to boot. Trouble with reading plays is that you can't read them at face-value; you have to visualize and make use of the actions and props. Was kind of mind-bending really... Was having a bad month, so decided to pick up a play as leisure reading, rather than the usual novel or biography of some suicidal poet or writer... I guess this stuff must interest Flo since she's a budding playwright... so now we have an extra topic of discussion -rubs palms gleefully- By the way dear, why compromise your love for drama and the arts? Why give up half of your dreams? You can do what you want as and when you like, nobody said you have to do everything now. So don't sacrifice your dreams for material wealth, just put it aside for now and pursue it later when life isn't so rocky, aight? --------------------------------------------------- I wish you weren't so anal-retentive sir; coz you really made me cringe in class. posted by KittenishKitsch 12:31 PM Tuesday, September 02, 2003 Butterfly Boucher 'I Can't Make Me' Third time. Obsessive. Enigmatic lady. Love. Propelling. Gone. Je ne sais quoi. archives
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