Okie dokie peeps. Photos are out. Click here to view them.

By the way, thank you Gloria for the photo. It's really awesome. Nobody's ever done something so beautiful for me before *weeps* It's like, this black and white photo of half my face, saluting the skies. It's very very nice, I love you so much babe!!

I hope you'd cheer up to the BEP CD coz they're like happy happy party songs ya know, and the doggy wrist rest. I have the kitty one, so since we'll be fwiends forever, you take 1 side, and I have the other side! Hehehe...

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Have a safe journey Steve NOObie :)

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Beach Road was awesome. The chicken rice was yummylicious. Took ten million photos that I'll update later after work. Then headed down to that place thingy near the Merlion. I can't believe we actually plonked ourselves down at that weird statue and lie down there to take photos like as if it's our home. Hahaha... it was fun being out with Hab. And thank you for staying the entire night with me at work even though it was your off day :P You're a darling.

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Poor Dessy's mobile ain't working so if you're reading this, call me again dear!!

I hate fighting. I guess this is the end of the fued huh?

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Anyhoos, cabs are so expensive. Been taking cabs home every night and now I'm left with like 5 bucks til payday which is Wednesday. Aaaargh!

You know why you don't give a fuck about my friends?
Because I never introduced you to them in the first place.
Because well, I don't know. I'm not to keen about it... get it?

1) Remember 2 Sundays ago when I called you after my cousin's wedding? The day I told you I had to go to work in my cacat kebaya? I wanted to clarify something that I was wrong about and you told me you never bothered to read my blog anymore. Yes I remember clearly you said you can't give a shite and that you don't read my blog for donkey years already. Ha.

2) I never barged into your life. We meet or speak only once a month, maybe less. What the fuck are you talking about? I never mentioned you in my blog, you don't mention me in your LJ. I just air an opnion and you blow up. Why do you love to kick up a huge fuss over such small matters? It's not even a matter. It's not even offensive. When I wrote that Shaz is a good photographer and Brucie's beautiful in photos, you never gave 2 hoots. But when I mention I feel sorry for Est and Scorp, you blow up. What's wrong with you? I never even implied, I never hinted, I didn't do anything. I merely wrote what I felt, in general. Any person who can read and understand English will tell you the same thing, damn it.

3) You bitch. You said we are friends. You say it when I met you at Taka. You said it on the phone when I apologised for misunderstanding you weeks ago. You said when we broke up. I remember it perfectly well because it meant something to me. Obviously it means shite to you, you bitch. Why do you always like to pretend to be cool and put on a facade when I know you're blatantly lying? Either that or you have the memory of a peanut, which I doubt considering your intelligence and brilliance, as much as I hate to say it.

4) What, are you dumb? You mean you read 1 line from my blog, and respond with a paragraph in your LJ?

Why do you always have to find fault in people? I know you are exceptionally smart and I know that you are very observant, but isn't your life messy enough as it is? Why always create a scene out of nothing? You want drama, watch Days of Our Lives; don't screw-up other's lives just because you screwed-up yours. I have enough things to worry about and I'm sure you have a handful to think about too. Everything was fine but not great. Then you came along and stirred up all these emotions in me and piss me off by picking on me out of the blue. You just have to make me miserable everytime, don't you?

I used to hate them because you were the one feeding me all kinds of mean stories about them. If it weren't you, how else would I know anything? Shaz didn't tell me anything. Naz didn't tell me anything. Bruce didn't tell me anything. You told me everything. My perceptions were formed because of whatever you told me. But since I started keeping a VERY safe distance from you, I realized on my own accord that they are in fact wonderful people. They are so nice that I like them both much better than I like you for that 1 year I knew you. So there.

I hope you are happy berrating me like that on your LJ. Thanks for expanding the 'We Hate Lux Club', which is totally unnecesary since I didn't do anything wrong to begin with. Something totally uncalled for just because you're overly-sensitive and unnaturally critical.

PS : I never want to be part of your circle, that's why I dumped you. Have a good life :D

Firstly, you lied. You said you don't even read my blog coz you can't be bothered but apparently, you can quote word for word whatever I write here 12 hours after I've updated.

Secondly, you are stupid. You must be suffering from a guilty conscience. I never accused you. I was merely addressing Est's entry. It's my opnion dude; that I feel sorry for them because people are mean to them. What's your problem man, I never even hinted that I was referring to you. I said people. I was addressing the issue in general. Are you blind? I air my opinion pertaining various things in general in every single different paragraph. Now I'm beginning to doubt you. Perhaps you are guilty of it, that's why you're so defensive and annoyed... hmm.........

Thirdly, you are mean. You make up stories to your friends about me which are untrue. Now Shaz thinks I'm a bitch for thinking that she's waiting for Est and Scorp to split. When I never even thought of her, nor you to begin with. You know how much I adore Shaz. Why did you do that on purpose? Why are you so insistent on your friends hating me? I thought everything's over, that we are friends, not foes? Don't always be nice to me when you're telling the world what a bitch I am behind my back.

It's true that I'm not close to Est and Scorp. You said I don't even know half the story. Guess what? I don't even know the entire story. I'm absolutely clueless. And I'm proud of it coz I don't want to get tangled in any of your disputes. But I was just being a concerned and 'feeling' friend, or maybe acquaintance. It's like I'm saying I feel sorry for Justin Timberlake coz he looks like a wussy. It's like I'm so happy for Queen Elizabeth coz she rules a country. It's like I heard Mas is getting married, that's great even though I haven't seen her in decade. Just airing my opinion.My perception. Catch my drift you cow? It's just a statement in general, not targetted at anyone at all. You're too paranoid. Either that or you're guilty as fuck. I sure hope it's not the latter or else you're one helluva evil gurl.

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Was tearing so badly yesterday night that I didn't blink in an hour then suddenly everything looked white and green, like a world map but whitish-green version. Then I collapsed in front of the tv set and parents freaked out. I lay down there blinking furiously coz I couldn't see anything. I thought I was going blind. Everything was so bright and white, like when you get those migraine attacks and you black out. Or should I say white-out.My limbs were numb. Lay down in bed in silence and continued staring for 2 more hours til I fell asleep in tears. Woke up with swollen eyes that could barely open til 2pm today.

You found me curled like a ball at the steps of City Hall MRT at 9.30am this morning; eyes swollen with tears and hair sticking unglamourously to my face. When you asked what happened I opened my mouth to speak but the tears flowed instead and I sobbed incessantly; startling you. We ate the pasta you cooked which is fabulous; and cuddled til Suhaimi appeared out of nowhere and we pretended that life is the best thing that's happened to us.

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It's such a waste you are so pretty but you're a lesbian.
It's so sad that you're so pretty yet so broken.
I don't get you. Why don't you appreciate your beauty?

Those words will never leave my mind for the rest of my life. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. What you consider beauty may be considered average features to me.
Beauty is nothing.
Beauty doesn't make us happier people.
Beauty doesn't earn us extra money.
Beauty doesn't give us extra respect either.

So don't talk about how beautiful I am because I'll never register it in my mind.

Money means something to me.
Brains means something to me.
Charisma means something to me.
Luck means something to me.

I know where I stand when it comes to looks. But it certainly isn't the pedestal where you lovingly superglued me to dear. You're just too kind.

She should have stayed away from friends
She should have had more time to spend
She should have died when she was born
She should have worn the crown of thorns

She should have - been a son

She should have stood out in the crowd
She should have made her mother proud
She should have fallen on her stance
She should have had another chance

She should have - been a son

- Nirvava Been A Son

How apt. I should've been born a son. Then I wouldn't be facing all these unnecessary problems now. I'd rather go for NS, have some penis-size dysfunction or something, balding problems, gurl-dating problems, and what-not that guys face than to be a gurl. Anyday man. Bring it on. See even Gwen whines about being Just A Gurl.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to!
Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!

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Didn't touch those filty things for 3 days and yesterday I caved in. Just couldn't fight back when Ow offered to share a pack. I'm such a weakling. Damn damn damn. Sorry Hab, so sorry to disappoint :(

Damn it it's so hard to quit smoking.

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I hate people who try to break others up. Esther and Scorpion for instance. I feel sorry for them coz 'everyone's just watching and waiting for to topple over', according to darling Est's words. That's evil man. Why do people have such cruel intentions beats me... Entertainment satiates your appetite at all times but not at the expense of your own friend, please. Acquaintances even. Pisses me off man. Anyone who bugs them will get a mouthful of bitchified words from me and my gurl man, promise.

Long live Est and Scorp, I say.

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Great day. Tired though. Argh! Wasted my money on cab fare only to rush home to an empty house. Parents were gallivanting and bro was out. Grrr... thanks for the great day Hab :) Remember to let me use more love pillows next time round k. Grins.

Met Ivan to chill as well. Had lotsa laughs... silly cow. I like Ivan :) He's the bestest dude for a gurl to have as a friend man.

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Condolences to Gloria dear. Do take care, I'll be by your side forever.

Condolences to Kejin. I'm sorry dear, you'll find someone soon. Take care.

Condolences to Des's grandpa. I'm sorry, I hope he'll be happier up there with God.

Condolences to Faezan. Relationships go awry sometimes, just don't think too much dudey. Take care.

Everybody hurts.

Been a krazy killer of a week. Next week would be worse. I can just see it man. Exhausted. But happy. Kind of. Yeap. Met many many people. Friends along the way. Friends with plans. Still haven't made up my mind about my education. Or career. I promised you I'd never give up but this isn't making me happy at all. Is it okay if I give up? Coz I'd be tonnes happier.

Sad smiles don't exist anymore. I don't even smile. If you're sad, why smile? Okay nevermind... it doesn't matter anymore. We were talking about smiles - angry ones, sad ones, happy ones. Smiles are just pretty facades that are obvious liars. Period.

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She loves you. She'll give up everything just to be with you, just to hear you say that you love her too. But she's giving you a headache and she's causing you eyebags and frazzled hair. You'd be leaving but she'll always stay in your mind because you know what fate you're designated to. Her presence overwhelms you the way failure courts her love. You'll continue painting stars for her while she desperately tries to cling onto her bad habits. Oh do you see what procrastination will do to you? You'll only fall deeper into her while she breaks apart more each day. In the time of your life, you'll need some adventure. Some failure too; so as to live as a human, maybe. But failure isn't your forte, it's hers. So say what you'll have to say, doesn't mean that you'll stay. She'll understand coz you only want to make things right.

She'll always understand even if you start a revolution to revoke her beliefs.

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I hope you guys will understand the position that I am in right now.

Do not hate me because I cannot meet you.
Do not hate me if I don't pick up your phone calls or reply your smses.
Do not hate me if I don't talk about you on my blog.
Do not hate me if I didn't consider you as my best friend.

Unlike you lucky fools, I have prison guards as parents. I am held captive til the day I
die/get married/turn psycho/get kicked out/get arrested.

I do not have the freedom that all of you take for granted.
I do not carry my mobile with me at all times, unlike all of you.
I have such a short attention span and such a low memory bank that I can never remember today's date, let alone who I met yesterday.
I love all my friends but unfortunately only some are the ones I truly consider special.

I get really frustrated and pissed off when I have to cancel plans with friends. And I get more annoyed when they get annoyed at me because anybody who knows me will know that I love going out, especially with friends. I'll never cancel my plans with friends unless my parents decide to be jerks. So don't make me feel worse about the position that I'm already in by saying shite like

1) I don't know you lar, so hard to meet you.
2) You mean you can't meet me AGAIN??
3) Don't cancel last minute lar, so mafan.
4) Are you sure you can't meet me? Or you meeting someone else?

What the FUCK. Seriously man, don't push my limits. I get extremely angry when friends sms me things like that. I already feel shittified about not being able to even get out of the fucking house to meet you, and then you say shite things like that to me. Hello? Do you, like, not know me by now or something?

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but you guys must really understand the position that I'm in. How many times do I have to explain to you guys about my parents and their ridiculous rules? Come on man, even when I'm on the phone with you guys, 1 parent is next to me eavesdropping. They call you guys up sometimes to check on me. You people should know how over-protective my parents are, so don't make things worse for me man. I'm very annoyed right now because someone just said to me reason number 3 yesterday. Hey, if you really love me that much (which I doubt you do) and you really want to see me (which again, I doubt you do), then drop by Towers and meet me during my lunch or dinner break. I can only meet you on my working days.

Try not to make life even more miserable as it already is for me, aight?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*grins uncontrollably like a fool*

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Met Hab at Holland V to have lunch and we walked around alot. Thanks for accompanying me today dearie!! Holland V never fails to fascinate me. The little Persian kitty kat is so adorable and cheeky! But he costs a whopping 380 buckeroos man... jeez. Ain't gonna pay that kinda money for a naughty pussy kat.

Had a blast wandering around the American Party Shop while fooling around wth the stuff. So nice! But ex like fuck. Grrr...

Then met Ivan to chill coz Hab had to go to work and the fella still looks goooood. Thanks for the bubble tea dearie!! Yumyum... I miss his company. And Andrew too. And Asyik. And Lex. And Hafiz. Sigh... been so long since I met the boys.

I'm so inspired to paint. Shall buy canvas and some paints. Gonna ask Hab to teach me first tho. She's gooooood at it. Yay!

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I kept whining about being pale. So when I went tanning 2 days ago, I was so happy about my newly-tanned skin. But 3 days have passed and my skin is still red from the sunburn and it hurts, like badly. Argh. Now that I got what I wanted, I'm not happy. At all. Coz it hurts. Badly. The funny thing is, I spent 2 hours on my front so my front is extremely red and burnt. But I spent 30 minutes on my back coz by then the sun was disappearing and grey clouds were forming. So now I've got a lobster front and a pale starfish-y coloured back. Eeeew.

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When I look into your eyes, everything else doesn't matter. I don't care about strange stares, neither do I give two hoots about nasty remarks. We are total opposites, do you know that? You have it all going for you; the looks, the money, the brains, the personality. I, on the other hand, am a perpetual failure. Screw-up is my middle name. I don't understand why you'd go thru all the trouble of being associated with a crazy chick like me. Chicks like me are unstable. Emotionally unstable at that. I really don't want to hurt you. But me being me, that's likely to happen as long as you love me. Hence I propose a compromise that'd do us both some good.

Ask me about it tomorrow. Thank you.

(What??? You don't expect me to write it down here, right?? Where all my friends can read?? Tsk... grins.)

Was super duper ready to go tanning at Sentosa with Mommy today then when I woke up it was raining. Now it's grey, cloudy and cold. Grrr.. I'm extremely pissified. I guess it shall be pushed to tomorrow then... I don't care even if I have to tan for only an hour, I'll do it. As long as i get to tan goddamit.

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Darn it everything is so complex. Why am I always saying 'I don't know' Why can't I just know what I want to do and who I want. Sometimes the chaos around me makes life amusing but at other times it makes life unbearable. Answers never seem to come to mind when I need them the most. Even when decisions are made, they aren't exactly what you might consider as appropriate. When oh when am I going to grow up and obtain maturity...

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Can't wait for later. Heh *rubs hands gleefully*

you are all natural! good on you for being who you
are. YOU. you are you and society isn't damn
well going to change YOU so they can stick
their conformist haircuts up their
conformist........


which Ani DiFranco hairstyle are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla Alex Parks loves AniDeFranco Hab, remember?

Oops. Sorry. I know I'm a biatch. Sorry. I'm so so sorry honey!! Paiseh!
*embarrassed giggle*

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Hab came down to BB to meet me for an hour and it was nice really. The poor chick was sick with fever, flu and cough. She thinks she's crazy for coming all the way down to BB to see me. I think it's fabulously awesome. Keep me company. Heh. It's like, while sitting in the library giggling as schoolgurls do, all I felt was the mutual affection we have for each other. I totally feel comfortable around this chick and I can imagine having a lifetime of friendship with her. She also sounded like a transvestite for a while there since she was sick but *shhhhh* don't tell her k. Grins.

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Aaaargh! It's such a torture to stay home! Can't do anythign without getting scolded... grrr...

Went to KK Hospital and I got so much funny stares!

I'M NOT PREGNANT FOR FUCKS SAKES!

Just because I'm young and I was there with my parents, doesn't mean I'm pregnant man! The people there are so myopic! They pointed at me and sniggered and whispered that I'm pregnant and giggled. It was sooo embarrassing!! It was a tumultuous 3 hours man... to make it worse, I saw Colin there. So embarrassing!! I'm really really really not pregnant! I just have some gurl problems okay?? Jeez man...

Remind me to look up Quick Time Plug In so I can let you guys listen to some depressively suicidal/emo/indie/jazz/what-not songs while reading my shite journal. Hooray.

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Listen up good everyone.

American Tower Records might be going bankrupt but Singapore's Towers is thriving and doing gooooood. In fact we are opening 2 new branches by the end of this year. So there. Hmph.

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I don't know what's your problem. I sure ain't writing about you in here man, unless I state your name. So don't go around writing shite about me on your online diary dude. If reading this online journal makes you feel sick and wanna say 'FUCK YOU' to me, then whenever I talk to you or see you, say it. Don't put on a front and be all nice to me and pretend to care when in real fact you're bitching about me for the world to see and you just can't give two fucks about me. If you and your dear friends already know everything and all of you don't care, I am not saying anything about it. Do you see me cry buckets of tears about it? Hello? Do I even bother to contact you people? Yes baby, NO. Why pretend to care, advise me and talk to me when what you truly feel is pure hatred? If you don't want to remain friends, then you shouldn't be pretending and forcing yourself to. What? You too chicken to be mean to me when we're on the phone? Listen up bitch, I hate your sudden outbursts of hatred. It's totally out of the blue and it catches me offguard. I don't bad mouth you here, nor do I bad mouth you in reality. I don't think I deserve getting put down like that every week on your journal dude.

You think I make you sick? You disgust me. Fair and square then. Have a good life.

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Watched Butterfly Effect with Sheha on Thursday and that movie disturbed me. Actually, I got really depressed after that and it was like, a totally wrong movie to watch considering the state of mind that I'm in now. I'd love to believe that I'm a hopeless romantic; that I believe in love, no matter what form it comes in. I keep telling myself I don't like the movie because of it's conclusion which doesn't satisfy me coz I would prefer hints of emancipation instead coz the entire movie was depressing, but oh well *shrugs* Movies can't always end happily right.

But deep inside I know it's the movie's theme of psychological problems and screwed-up childhood that left me in a state of distress (and uncontrollable whining to Hab. haha). Also, whenever people ask you, if you have a chance to change soemthing from your past, would you? I'll obstinately answer no because the past is what that makes the present (as cliched as that sounds. Ha). Even if the present is fucked up, there is some good in it. If I chose another path, if I chose to make certain decisions differently, I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't have the same people loving me now. I wouldn't have the friends I have now. It's like that. And the mental problem Ashton's character faces. It's troubling. It's so sad that this probably exists in real life, that some person in an asylum is facing it but no doctor would believe him because they'll think he's insane. That people like that should be burdened with something so horrible, that it can't be cured. Neither can it be healed even.

And don't even get me started on screwed up childhood man. Okay maybe my childhood was fabulous but my adolescent years werent, as all of you my dear friends have known. Such misery. Such unrestrained melancholy. Boy oh boy it troubles me... I have so much to say but I think this is enough. I've aired too much personal perceptions in a day. Okay personal there is redundant coz perceptions are personal to begin with. Get it? see it?

Oh nevermind.

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I'm particularly interested in this movie called Thirteen for a few months now. But Singapore doesn't look like she's going to be bringing in that movie... it's fascinating. It truly reflects the lifestyle of an adolescent of this era. Taboo seems to be the choice of the century in Thirteen. Anybody knows how I could get hold of the VCD or DVD? And no, Towers isn't going to bring it in either. Unless they bring in the censored one that's as wholesome and pansy-assed as a Barney & Friends show. Which defeats the purpose of watching the movie really. Prevailing behaviour isn't always portrayed aptly by the media but according to the many many reviews and sypnosis' I've read so far, it has done a pretty good job. Life is a bloody cesspit hence I believe it should be portrayed that way.

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If you stay, you'll only face more hurt by the end of this whole thingy with me. I don't know. When I see you, I feel good. Soothing, almost. But I know things won't work out because of the jarring differences. Oh honey, I daresay I love you but really, I am truly sorry. I just couldn't bring myself to say it to you no matter how much I'm encouraged by friends. I just couldn't. You're so sweet. Such a darling. And I do love you. But I don't know what's going to happen to us should we prolong this whole thing... I am not at my best character now. You should know what I'm going through. The stress I'm facing ain't going to make your life better, in fact my presence will make you more miserable. Think about it.

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The fucking porn pop ups are annoying me. I'm on the brink of tears and I'm just so traumatized and distressed about it! It's horrible! Plain awful! It's not just tits and dicks anymore, there's blood and strange things now! What the fuck is this world coming to man??? Aaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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It must've been yesterday was the day I was born coz I feel so cleansed now and your love feels like it's the first time I'm tasting love. Don't ever change.

I know what I'm doing. I see it all too clear. You are what I want and that's that. End of story.

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There's so much contradiction in this entry if you've read close enough. But I don't care. My tumultuous mind isn't going to turn over a new leaf anytime soon. I know somebody's gonna be having a field day picking at my mistakes but fuck you, I don't care. Once again, have a good life.

Your Energy is Grey. Your thoughts are unclear,
muddled, and confusing. Dark thoughts or
depression may be clouding your true colors.
It may be that you have been hurt and rejected,
or maybe you are just manipulative, dark, and
evil.


What color is your energy?
brought to you by Quizilla

I sure as hell hope it's the former dude.

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Smashing Pumpkins, Air and Oasis in your room.
(Those are band names by the way, not things in her room.)
It was raining as we giggled and rolled around on the floor.
Stared at the walls, the paintings, your achievement certs (you bloody high-achiever you.).
Your darling Bibbit (the cutest rabbit I've ever seen in my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Pillow fights and gushing about Claire Danes.
Poking-each-other's-fats-to-feel-worse-about-ourselves sessions.
Staring at the super cool painting you did for me. The one with pink and black paint that has got a huge star in the middle of the canvas that looks kinda like the star of David. I can't believe you painted that for me. I'd love to bring it home; once my parents have calmed down that is. Heh.

The bohemian-ness of your room. The beautiful maroon comforter, dim lights, old-skool curtains that oozes grandeur, your endless stash of CDs, the branded toiletries and perfumes, your thousand and one bags and clothes, the grey grey sky, your home's atmosphere is of mixed cultures - Chinese, Indian and Malay. Your great family; they are so warm and open! I love your neighbourhood... the weather was stunning; grey skies threatening to spill tears of despair anytime. Of course, how can I forget the durian and the cab ride home? The ah pek who was yelling at his child in Hokkien/Cantonese/whatever. We could've gone deaf right there and then if it weren't for the fact that we've reached Bukit Batok...

Today's the day for many first-times. House visit. De-vegetarianised. Top off.

I know I'm writing so disjointedly. I can't help it. So many nice things to remember today but language is so limited... so I list down all the things I want to remember forever. Nobody else has to know the details. As long as you know what I'm referring to and I know what I love to remember, all else does not matter anymore. Taboo doesn't exist in my dictionary darling.

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I don't know what to make of us beacuse whatever that I go through right now, nobody will ever understand; especially someone like you. I choose not to tell certain things beause

a) it's too personal and I don't want to be judged or
b) there's no point telling coz nobody would understand or
c) i am not allowed to talk about it.

So you see, it's not that I'm shutting you out of my life. It's just that certain things are not possible. I just hope everything will turn out fine between us because losing your friendship would be like losing a limb. I'll always love you because you did a great deal for me. I just hope you won't take to heart whatever that's going to happen...

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Listening to Beetlebum by Blur so so so reminds me of you and your cheeky grin. And those eyes. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Marriage is Love. Love is kissing the girl of your dreams as much as you want.


Alex Parks is awesome. She's got this haunting voice that's so soothing. Something like Dido but not too faggot-ty sounding. She looks like a dyke to me but apparently she's married with a kid... that's what Hab hantu said anyways. Then again she might be pulling my leg, as always. You guys should come down to Towers and take a listen to Alex Parks' CD. The entire CD is full of covers but it's beautifully done, in her own unique style. Recommended tracks would be Mad World, Average Girl, Yellow and Everybody Hurts.

It's seriously awesome. Trent, you'll love Alex. She's a zillion times better than that dyke from American Idol who sang Norah Jones. And she's a zillion times cuter too. If you guys wanna buy the CD, I'll charge you $15 only. Come come come!

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I'm sorry I took ages to update honey, the darn PC keeps fucking up on me. Grrrrr....

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When the day is so cold and depressing.
When the skies just wouldn't stop crying.
When my heart just wouldn't stop aching for you.
I feel like this has got to be one of my better days on this Earth. The mere fact that you're around when I needed you. That you'll always love me as much as I love you. That I'll always be your princess/goddess/babe/sex bomb/whatever. I feel so blessed.

You never think too highly of yourself. Your modesty appeals like sparkly jewels. But honey, why can't you see that what you've got is a true gem?
Looks. Brains. Money. Character.
And of course your sense of humour. How can I forget your sense of humour. You're such a darling that I feel so small around you sometimes...

I can't think straight. Been cooped up in this house the entire day. Cold, wet, grey day. Wished adamantly you were here with me cuddling like we always do but oh well, situation and circumstance was not meant to be. Am having a major brain block coz I spent all my energy getting mad at the PC for the past hour and cursing it like it would understand.

All I'm saying is that you're special. I love you more than anything else and I'm willing to sacrifice every damn thing on this Earth that's within my reach; for you. Believe it.

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You write so beautifully I admit I almost believed it. I'm not a gem hun, you are. You sparkle. The light from you happens to relect on me.

Read that people?? Learn that and say it to your gurlfrens. They'll melt big-time like I just did ;)

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All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

-Mad World by Gary Jules (original singer)

Our favourite Alex Parks song but I know you especially love this song. I admire your good taste.

I feel like doing something crazy now. I don't know. maybe for the heck of it. Maybe to get back at them.

Watch this space (or your mobiles if my parents start calling. harhar.) and let me entertain you :)

(cheeky Robbie Williams grin).

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The kiddos whom I expected to ace the A's flunked it bad and the ones I thought would screw it up actually did better than expected. Congrats to Shaz, Hab & Sheha :) You guys are really really really smart man, I totally give you my respect.

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This ain't some punch drunk love baby. This is for real. We're tight and you know that as well as I do, so please don't creep me out by doing something I wouldn't do.

I've got 'Perpetual Failure' stamped all over my face.

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I beg all of you to keep your loyalties towards me. Please don't speak to my parents if they call you. I know all of you are concerned about me, you might even think you're doing me a favour but really, please don't breathe a word to my parents. What you may consider trivial information is a huge giveaway to my parents. I need time off the next few days. I trust all of you to keep this online journal of mine secret and safe. Please don't tell my parents anything, especially my blog address. This is the only way out for me to keep my sanity. I have no privacy and this is the only mean for me to write my thoughts.

Nobody understands what it's like to be in my shoes. What you know from the outside, whatever I tell you; it's not even anywhere near reality. This reality I'm living in is far worse than the life of a fugitive who's always in hiding. You feel sorry for me and most of you want to 'rescue' me and take me away form all these shit happening to me. You can rescue me by not betraying me and blabbering to my parents. Please dear God, don't ever blabber to my parents. I love you all dear friends, and if you guys love me too, you won't talk to my parents. I'm begging you.

You don't know what it's like to be stuck in this house, so helpless and unable to do anything. I want to do something and they disallow because they just want to. There's no concrete reason. They just disallow, that's all. No questions asked. It's hard living my life when your parents cancel your plans the very morning you're supposed to go out, 4 times a week. It's hard being me because they keep drilling things into my head til I'm immune and I feel like I've lost all morals and of what's right and what's wrong. The boundaries are erased because I'm just one-ear-in, one-ear-out already.

It's hard being me because they call all my friends and colleagues to check on me.
They ransack my room.
They take away my clothes.
They take away my mobile.
They don't let me close my bedroom door.
I'm not supposed to lock anything.
I have to be home 1 hour after work ends.
I can only leave the house 1 hour before work starts.
I can only use the internet an hour a day.
I am not allowed to talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes.
Strictly no computer or phone calls after 9.30pm.
I can't go out at the last minute because they just don't want me to.
They control my finances, the money which I earn myself working my ass off at Tower Records.

Being a captive animal in a science lab is more fun.

Please, I beg all of you. Don't call my mobile or my home phone. When my family calls you for the next few days, don't pick up the phone. Please. I need time alone. I need time away. I don't know where my path in life is leading to. I need to figure it out.

I'm feeling so stifled right now. It literally hurts in my chest. I keep crying. I keep crying and crying and crying my heart out but nothing ever changes. I'm so depressed and I feel so helpless I am so tempted to cut. Slash. Stab. Wound. Swallow. Pills pills pills. Jump. Fling. Punch.

But I can't I can't I can't. Coz you love me and you'll always be here for me. And the last thing I want to do right now is to hurt you. No matter what I love you more than anything else in the world because you always try to please me and give me yourbest. I can't disappoint you like this... I'm struggling to stay alive for your sake.

For you and only you.

When I go into hiding, I will tell nobody. So don't feel offended if I cut you out from the picture. It's just better if I don't get anyone involved this time. The last time was bad enough... Gloria, Kejin, Sheha, Flo, Des, Hab, Trent,, please don't tell my parents you have read this. Please. Gie me a chance to breathe and be alone. I'm never alone. I'm always surrounded by people who clamp down on me. Give me this chance to take a breather and decide what I want to do. Please don't go calling my family once you are done reading this. I will go insane. I swear to God if I don't get to take a breather soon I will go insane. I will cry and suffer in silence and cut myself and bleed to death. I swear to God if anybody leaks this out to my family, I will die in the most horrendous way and you know it's your fault. You know I am not afraid of death. If i"m not afraid to slash my skin and lick the blood, I'm not afraid of stabbing my tummy either. I am so desperate to be left alone. I'm really really desperate. I want all of you to see that so pelase don't be a tattle tale. I will be back. Of course I'll be back. But just give me some time off for a while now, please.

My hands are tied. You got me where you wanted and I want to be with you forever and more.

What am I to do without you... sigh...

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You give yourself away but you know there's still much more contained inside that nobody can ever touch. It's not about the physicality of things these days. Everyone around me are much more insightful than kids our age were 10 years ago. We all know the value of our youth though languidity is was what indulge in, which of course is ironic. Coz we treasure our youth yet we waste it away brooding in languidity. Wasting our lives away enjoying life. Either that or basking our already sick minds in sicker dark and ominour thoughts. We are an unhappy lot, that's for sure.

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I just realized how beautiful Brucie is in photos. In real life he's plain hot, but he's really really beautiful in photos. Maybe it's because Shaz is a good photographer but it's also because of dear ol Brucie's features. That dude is beautiful man, I swear! I know I just used the word beautiful like 5 times in 3 lines, but thats about the only adjective I can think of to describe him.

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Gloria!! I'll reply your email later k coz I must go to work now! All I can say is your dream's amazing man!!

Cheers.