When I think about being your wife, then having kids and spending the rest of my life with you, it makes me want to cry because I love you so much. It would be the loveliest thing that could happen to me and I'll go to work and be rich while you stay home with the kids, cooking and making thingy schmingys with the kiddos. We'll grow old watching hilarious adam sandler movies in each others' arms but no horrific ghastly gruesome stuff okie?

+

I'm sorry. I was absolutely nasty of late and it's just so embarrassing. Totally uncool of me to be ranting and raving like a loser like that, huh? Please excuse my personal discrepencies, the damage's done so let's just forget I ever said those meanie meanie MEANIE things.

I'm alright. I'm moving on.

Back to the happy dandy silly smiley me :)

At times when I have the time to reflect, I feel the throbbing at the back of my head when you come to mind, but as you said, I just try to keep busy. I hate to admit it but it actually helps. Nah, it doesn't cure me of the heartbreak but at least it eases my pain. Grins.

Been running around town alot lately coz the job interviews have been PILING man; like 4 a day at 4 vastly different locations. 1 week ago I was complaining about how difficult it is to get a job, and now I've got too much to handle. Got a few jobs now, it's just a matter of my parents' approval... unfortunately the one that pays the highest is with Singtel but mom and dad would probably flip if I told them the job requires shift work ( which ends at midnight on some days)... And right now, I don't want the heavy burden and responsibilities of a receptionist/clerk/personal assistant. Don't wanna get the shitload when the boss is pissed man; trust me, it happens ALL the time.

Am just sick and tired of the sales line, ya know? Fucking assholic customers who treat us like dirtbags isn't exactly the kind of people I'd like to encounter when I'm trying to recover from a heartbreak; might just break somebody's face or spit at their deservant faces'. If you haven't noticed, I've been extemely short-tempered lately. A little schizo even.

If I work as a cashier, does that mean I don't know how to count just because you pushed 43 CDs in my face and u want me to seperate them in groups of 10? I've been getting straight A's for Math til I went to JC, mind you. If I'm serving you as a sales assistant, does that mean I'm a school drop out or I'm just too stupid to continue studying at my age? If I'm asking you for assistance in a survey, does that mean I'm not good enough to get a better job than the one I'm doing? If I'm shoving a pamphlet in your face at the subway, does that mean I'm so fucking poor that I have to resort to such an occupation that you have to give me sympathetic looks?

(No, I'm just stating examples, I didn't do all the jobs stated above except for 2. Go figure.)

Assumptions, assumptions, assumptions.
Tsk tsk tsk.

Do people ever consider other reasons other than those stated above? Such as obligations to be a fillial daughter by giving money to parents? Such as wanting more dough so that one can shop to one's hearts' content? Such as saving as much money as possible so that one can have lotsa money when one starts school next year? Such as just wanting to work for the sake of getting out of the house because one isn't happy staying home? Such as just wanting to spend one's free time more fulfillingly? How about the simple reason of just wanting to save tonnes of money for a rainy day coz afterall, I have nothing else to do since I'm not in school, NS, whatever?

Huh? Huh? HUH?????

I don't really like Singaporeans afterall.

ANYHOOOOOOOOOOOS, I am happy for now. Everyday's been pretty fun and I get to go shopping soon coz the pay cheque's coming in in 2 days. I haven't been smoking for a long time and I feel goood! I haven't gotten wasted YET like I usually do after the end of a relationship. I've been baking and going to sentosa whenever I see the sun. Ive been listening to my favourite CDs and pondering about life. I've been writing some stuff I'd like to call poetry. I've been making new friends. I've been very nice to mommy and daddy, and they love me alot. I've been watching TRL practically every night coz I think whats-her-name is hot and cute. I've been playing solitaire every night til 1 am til my eyes won't blink until I find cards to add on to the aces. Best of all, I've been getting IT and I'm sure you haven't. Gringringrin.

I've lost some friends because of you but I've gained some too. But I miss them... I wish I can chill with them again but it's just not going to happen ever right...

Oh no I'm sad again =(

She's been very good to me. She's been there all along, whenever I need emotional, mental and physical support. She's been crying lately because she thinks I don't appreciate her efforts to be understanding and accomodating to my dysfunctions-of-the-moment. I don't know what to say simply because I am guilty and I feel that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

I am truly sorry Hab; for making you cry, for making you angry and for wasting your efforts. Especially sorry to be yelling at you after you baked for me cookies and a pizza and took a cab down. I am so so sorry... do forgive me. Your kindness shall be repaid someday, I promise. Just not anytime soon.

+

I'm just over here, in my black room and designer curtains, all rolled up in a ball in my black bedsheets and black comforter, all worn out and used, all bitter and ambivalent at the same time. All of me just melts into the blackness of everything and I wish that my tears would remain forever in my sheets and in your minds, but my body transcending onto higher grounds where you can't touch me, where you can't hurt me, where I can't be anything of a person with feelings but instead something that carrasses your emotions once in a while, tugging at your guilty conscience if I feel like it, taking away peace from you and replacing it with the vilesness of destruction that you oh-so-deserve.

I'm watching over you.

+

Talk is cheap, so I'll buy every word you said.
-Brandston

It seems to me that you just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Well, so be it then. I shall just stop replying your messages, asking you out, dreaming of you, talking about you, the works.

You don't seem to understand that I am NOT over you the way you are already over me. Funny, coz I thought you were pretty much in love with me. I am always wrong and stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. I really am.

IT hurts, do you understand? IT FUCKING BLOODY HURTS SO BADLY I CRY IN MY SLEEP PRACTICALLY EVERYDAY. You sure do not know how to handle this, don't you? It's probably the first time in your entire life that a gurl really truely loves you even after you've ended the relationship with her, yet you're not appreciating it. What's so difficult about handling a broken-hearted ex-gurlfriend's emotions?

It feels like when you message me once in a while to ask if I'm okay, it's just out of politeness. Because you have to; not that it really matters if I'm okay or not. Or perhaps you're afraid I'll slit my wrist and throat; and you just don't want to feel guilty for the rest of your life, do you? And and and... and I AM NOT A FOOL ANYMORE TO DO SUCH THINGS, OKAY? I'M TURNING TWENTY AND I AM MUCH WISER NOW, THANK YOU.

I don't know... I just really don't. I thought you were not like this, not like, cold and aloof. I thought for those years that I've known you, that you're the sweetest, kindest, most generous and nice person on Earth. I thought wrong.
I've been single for a month now, today's exactly 1 month. I've had 4 men at my feet so far since my arrival upon the world of the sinful swinging single. 4 men in one hand and then there's you in the other. I used to feel strongly about picking you over them.

But I changed my mind.

I don't want neither anymore.

I have a good mind to say alot of things, to cite some examples to support my reasons but honestly, I still love you so I don't want to hurt you. No this is not a threat, I'm just not in the right state of mind right now, plus I'm absolutely furious. So I'm just trying to be the fair human being I should be and respect others. Lucky you.

+

190904, Sunday, 8.30pm

It's just crazy. These tears keep flowing like as if it's meant to be let out, meant to just flow and eer, let flow.
What hurts me the most is how fast you move on. How fast you pass me to somebody else and go on with your life. You don't think about me probably coz everytime I call you, you sound so hostile and annoyed. Why, just tell me why? I thought you were the one who promised me that we would remain friends, like GOOD friends at that. You said we can still go out. You said you can still drive me home. You said we can still talk on the phone. You said so many things but when I call you, you just can't wait to put down the phone. When I ask you out, you always have plans with one guy or the other. When I message you, you sound so cheerful with the-shorter-the-better kinda message. Why? Why are you going back on your words? I won't bug you anymore alright? In fact, I wasn't even bugging you.

Yes I had a breakdown in front of you, or like on the phone with you, that was like, only recently? Even so, you were so cold and snappish. Do you know how much I cried in the train and on the bus? How pathetic I looked; trying to hold back the tears but they just kept falling thus resulting in stifled sobs? Not that I want to cry in public, not that I want snot and tears smeared all over my face; no. I just couldn't help it. It was all because of you. You'll never know what I feel, what I'm going thru. You used to care, 1 week after the break up, you'd message or call me everyday to ask if I was alright. I was alright then. But when reality strikes and I actually feel the physical pain of not being with you, I'm not okay anymore. I'm just NOT okay. You don't even message, you don't even call anymore. The least you could do is to be accomodating when I call you crying or message you crying. Like, what does it take to just understand?

You tell me you don't know how to handle this. Why? Becasue you are over me already and you don't feel the way I feel for you now? Remember when you broke up with HER? You were emotionally dying for months, probably a year, until you met me. But now, you are not even hurting. Well, not that I see it anyways. And not that you're telling me too. Does somebody have to, well, to put it bluntly, dump you to make you feel sad? If it's a mutual break up or if you're the one doing the dumping, does that mean you're entitled to NOT feeling anything?

My backlash and spiteful words will hurt you, no doubt. I'm not sorry because I can't be keeping this inside and be crying everyday while you go on with your life and forgetting me already. I just can't bear to know that you don't miss me as much as I miss you, that you don't need me as much as I need you, that you don't love me as much I did and still do.

Well excuse me for being pathetic; afterall hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

You just opened an old wound.

That's my brother and I when we were much younger. Sigh... those were the days when we were so tight...

+

Issues, issues, issues.

+

I miss you so badly. If only you know that. I'm tied down by this handicap called the heartbreak but I refuse to let go and let live.

Remember the times I skipped night classes to be with you?
Remember the gigs I attended just to ogle and admire you and your guitar skills?
Remember the days when I fed on your love, and how intoxicating it was for you?
Remember that one time we said goodbye at the coffee house and had our last hug?

That one last hug, unfulfilled dreams and broken hearts that comes with no replies.

I didn't expect letting go to be this difficult, afterall we drifted apart alot for the past few months. We hardly talk, let alone meet. But I didn't expect to cry at the breakfast table, to cry in my sleep, to cry in the train, to cry when I listen to the bands you like, to cry outside the jamming studio when your friends were inside making beautiful music, to cry when I'm walking at Sentosa, to cry when I look at your photographs, to just break down and let the tears flow at the thought of you basically.

I know you're trying to move on and you don't want to break my heart again. It's pretty clear what you're doing, you just don't want to be hurt anymore nor do you want to hurt. But this thing that's in me, it's breaking me down. I'm afraid I'll have to go thru that few months or a year or perhaps years of misery and missing somebody I can never have again. Please help me out, please.

Here are the things that reminds me of you...

Marlboro Menthol Lights
Boon's Studio
Your friends
Weezer
Get Up Kids (fuck I cried when I heard I'll Catch You)
Digicams (remember the stuff we snapped? Grins. Shh!)
Car rides and singing stupidly VERY loudly (I miss that so much =( )
BK Borders
Thrice
Pool games
Yellowcard (I know how much you hate them...)

+

I don't see myself stronger, I see myself dying. I'm dying. You're not my biggest mistake. You're just my biggest regret.

+

why does the world close in on me just when I'm getting claustrophobic?
why does it always rain when I'm so fucking ready to burn myself under the goddamn sun?
Why does it seem like I'm the biggest loser just when I'm finally trying to do the rights things and trust them?

You know you're wired when your senses fail.

+

Weight issues. I ballooned up to an extra 5kg. It's so bad that I can't wear ANY of my old Levis. so I bought a new one :) At a size THIRTY. So upsetting.

I never thought the day would come when I'd have to worry about what I eat and if I gained any weight... always thought I've got a high metabolism man...

Mom keeps saying I look like I've got the body of a woman with 10 kids. Hab's brother says that I'm carrying a kitten in my tummy. Trent just stifles a laugh when she sees me, or TRIED to stifle a laugh rather...

I mean, what's the big deal? I'm happy the way I am, I like having some flesh and a more womanly figure. I've never been too fond of boy-figures or skin&bones anyway. I am happy this way. I AM happy this way. I really am! But all these people are making me feel extremely ugly, unsexy, fuckingfatanduglyandblubberyandshittified. why? Why why???????????

When I was slim, you people look at me in distaste and told me how skinny I was. You CHIDED me for being skinny. You wondered if I was starving myself. You were bewildered that I actually wear XXS and XXXS clothes from MANGO (by the way, MANGO's for ah lians and minahs now, so DON'T be caught dead wearing a MANGO!). But now that I've gained weight, and I'm actually happy, you people keep bombarding me with fatso remarks. Like, whhhhhhhat?

You people are making me hate myself. You're making me realize things I wish I hadn't noticed.

Like how I can't wear sexy tight jeans anymore. Like how I can't wear tank tops anymore without people on the MRT giving up seats to me coz they think I'm pregnant. Like I can't wear pretty skirts anymore without looking like I've got trucks for an ass. I can't even fit into my sneakers anymore coz my feet grew fat too :~( waaaaa

+

So much has changed yet I'm still the same person.

My navel piercing fell out when I was rolling around somebody's bed. Just like that; with the skin and stud laying there on the bed. I went back to the piercing artist and she said that my body rejected the stud; that my body wanted to get rid of that stud hanging prettily on my navel. I guess Mom's been praying extra hard for the piercing to come off...

I'm single but not swinging. It's funny, to be single after so many years. The feeling of not having to tell somebody else my whereabouts is liberating yet I'd rather be stuck with someone and have something to fall back on. Being lonely just drives me insane.

Well on a higher note, I got my Sentosa Islander Card, so that means free tanning sessions from now on :)

And also got my SingaporeArtsFest/NAC/thingyschmingy card so that means mega discounts for the theatre sessions :)

I am single for 2 weeks now. I am unhappy.

Life's extremely changed. Shopping sprees and dating sprees, they're all the same.

Sex drugs rock&roll.

Ok, that's not quite right.

Sex ciggs emo.

I am so going to hell man.

Send me a message people. When loneliness creeps in, even the gurl can't help me.

Boo.