Did I tell you guys that I slipped and fell at Westmall on Sunday? Yeah I did. And I burst out crying the minute I opened my mouth to ask mummy to fetch me coz I was wet and dirty. Hahaha. It was sooo embarrassing!!

Plus, I slipped again this morning outside Coffee Bean at SPC. Sigh... I think it's time I throw this dear ol Roxy slippers of mine and get a new one. Such a waste, it's only 4 or 5 months old.

+

He messaged me asking which Idol I prefer. I told him I vote for Taufik and Daphne religiously every single week, 2 votes per person and I voted for David before he got booted out too. (Which is why my mobile bill's been hitting sky high). He says that he prefers Leandra, Taufik and maybe Oli. He's so adorable =) My heart totally warmed up while I was having my fish noodle soup lunch. Hahaha. I guess I still have a soft heart for him =)

I did something queer yesterday (no pun intended. heh). I purposely listened to the get up kids and weezer cd the entire day to see if I would still burst into tears. Strangely I didn't, even though I miss him just as much now as I did a month ago. It's like I'm coming to terms to the fact that he's gone and that I should feel blessed that he's actually still a good friend. So I'm just gonna cherish moments with him and not burst into tears anymore coz someday, he'll get annoyed and scared and I wouldn't want him to run ten miles away from me.

+

You know what? Grow up. Mature a little. You never want to give in, you always want things to be your way, you never forgive and forget and you hold grudges even til the day you die.

I don't wnat to talk about this anymore coz I can't give two fucks about it. This could go on forever coz we'll both be arguing the same points, only in different words. The damage is done, I'm a happier and cleaner person now and I don't need you to bring me down again.

You should be a critic of some sort. You're good at it. Food critic perhaps. Or movie critic.

The only people who hate me are your droogs, not that I care. I'd never want to be caught dead with friends like them anyways. I've got my own and I honestly feel they're a much nicer bunch than yours. At least they have their own head that they use to make fair judgements with, rather than to follow others blindly.

Shaz, sometimes I catch myself missing your company alot as much as I hate to admit it. When I went thru some of my stuff, I saw the photos we took, the notes we wrote and then I remember how hilarious you are. I even feel for you when I read your entries about love and bitches who bug your boyfriend. I understand what first love feels like and all of us gurls go thru the same problems as you do. But then I think about you and Sharm ruining my days in secondary school and JC then I remember how miserable I was. I've concluded that well, you're a fabulous friend but you're a terrible person.

I wanted to apologise to Maisarah but 1 of your 'friends' advised me strongly against it. I heeded her advice coz I thought she'd know better. And remember that time on IRC, i told you and Sharm that i'm sorry? I told you to send my apologies to Maisarah? And now you're accusing me of otherwise. Please get your facts straight before verbally abusing me.

Exactly 1 more week to go til my birthday!

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhoos, been trying desperately to shed this obscenely shocking weight gain since I ran away. Sigh... even after doing sit ups and crunches everyday my tummy isn't any flatter. Even with FASTING it isn't much flatter. But then again I've only been doing these exercises for a week and been fasting for only what, 2 weeks? Hopefully I'll get some kinda flatter tummy reaction by hari raya so I can fit snugly into my kebaya =)

+

I NEVER said I'm perfect. If you've been the kaypoh little thing that you are, you must've been reading my blog for a long time now and you should've realized now (being the journalism major blah blah blah that you are) that I've said more than once how fucked up I am. In fact I'm sure you can see with your humongous eyes that the title of my blog is 'phucked up pheline philosophies'. Tsk tsk tsk. By the way, I've NEVER said I'm not kaypoh either.

My past is my past. It's over and done with. Don't keep blasting me off for it because what do you know? You have not the slightest idea of what I'm like now. Hey, I don't even smoke anymore.And the last time I got drunk was years ago. And since I've been single, the only man I went out with is the ex's friend.I don't even come home after 7pm! I've changed and I'm trying to be better. Who are you to critisize me of what I did in my past?

And don't you talk to me about friends. The only friends I lost was you, your best friend and 2 traitors. The rest are either still friends with me or I just never regarded them as friends, so it's no loss.

You know, I've never even hurt you. I know I hurt your friend but it wasn't even on purpose. You've always been more than happy to just hurt somebody with your vicious words. Your friend who was hurt by me didn't make a huge deal out of this, in fact she was cool and nice about it coz she's a peace-loving and nice person and we all know that. But you. You just had to be the dramam mama makcik kaypoh and blew everything up and screwed the years of my life that was supposed to be one of my best.

You've no idea how you ruined my life and you've no idea how I felt to be bullied by you and your droogs.

I know how many times exactly you've bitched about me on your blog. But I never responded to it. Now, just once when I get disgusted by your unnatural contempt for everyone and everything except for the loved ones, you write 1 entire page to bring me to tears again.

If only you know how cruel and evil you are.
I really hope God will bless your soul and forgive you someday.

Ola~

Well I've been sick lately and hari raya's just around the corner. Boo.

+

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY ANDREW DEARIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*hughughug*

I promise I won't forget that I'm suppoosed to belanja you dinner when I get my first paycheque okie? Heh. Can't wait to see ya!!

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Anyhoos, was watching this Coheed and Cambria video on MTV yesterday, and one of the dudes was using the exact same green Gibson guitar as Dessy's!! Like, awesome man! Annnnd the lead singer reminds me so much of Dessy, minus the huge hair of course. Haha. And the drummer's style is just like Colin's. Like when they play, the head would turn sideways but the hands would be hitting the drum set with that i'm-so-lazy-but-i'm-good attitude. hahaha.

+

Was with Hab the other day and I met her colleagues; this super cute butch with her super tao/dao gurlfriend. It's such a waste man coz the gurlfriend was pms-ing I suppose so all of us were kinda quiet and miserable. Biatch I tell you. Biatch.

+

I don't understand some people. I don't understand why you have to bitch non-stop about everybody else. What, you think you're little Miss Perfect? Fuck you, you're far from that. Entry after entry, you'll be blasting somebody off. Worse part is that your words are so vicious that it's the sort to haunt one forever. Why do you have to make people around you hate the people you feel are hate-worthy? To you, that person might be like the dirt that you step on but to somebody else, what that person is doing is perfectly fine. Stop being so freaking critical. You're not a good girl yourself. If you are, you wouldn't be eating non-halal food, you wouldn't be hurting so many people and you wouldn't be sleeping with your boyfriend in the same bed. Thus the bottomline is that you're in no position to insult others. Whatever their morale standing might be, you're most likely around the same wavelength as them. So stop it you vicious bitch, stop saying hurtful things.

Coz you're just as bad, if not worse.

That's Kejin and I on Saturday. Ain't she adorable ;)

When he said that he spent $300 on his ex's dress, accesories, shoes, handbag and stuff, tears just started flowing. I mean, he's already paying for her tix for the ball, and yet he spends on her stuff? And she's his EX. I wish I have somebody to do that for me. And he calls her his missus.

He's taking leave tomorrow so that he could shop with her, to get her a bra, book a makeover, and get earrings. I sooo envy her man.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have feelings for this dude I'm talking about. I envy his ex not because he loves her, I envy her because she's got somebody to love her and pamper her. Afterall, I'm a gurl and we gurls just love to feel secured...

I just wish I still have Des with me so he can treat me like a princess like he always does, someone to protect me when people tease me too much. Someone to sit next to and hold hands with under the table when we're out. Someone whom I can gossip with about everything under the stars. Someone to send me home and have intellectual convos with on the way home. Someone to listen to my whims and fancies after a bad day at work. Des was the perfect boyfriend any gurl should have.

I really miss Des.

I wish he'll come back to me. I do.

Crap I'm crying again. I wish he knows how I feel for him now. I really wish he does.

You're just looking for love. You're very
emotional, and a lot of sad teenagers are going
to turn to you when they feel like shit.
You're also into BDSM, you devil, you.

What band from the 80s are you?

What?? I sooo do not enjoy BDSM man. Gross. Tsk.

Fuck shit I typed a looong entry and it's gone. Tsk.

Anyhoos, I miss my friends. I used to be so close to Kejin, Gloria, Sheha, Aidah, Flo, Colin, Ivan, Azza, Felly, etc but now, I haven't even seen some of them in years!

I need to get my old life back. The only person I hang out regularly with now is Hab and I want that to change, I really do coz I miss the company of my friends... it's driving me to the brink of insanity...

I'm gonna call them and ask them out and tell them how much I love and miss them. Soon. I hope.

I was reading Kejin's blog and man, the chick's got so many close friends to fall back on when she fucks up, but me? I've only got 1 person to fall back on and that 1 person is kinda unstable too. I mean, goddammit. I really want my old life back, the one with many many loving friends and many many activities.

But first thing's first. Gotta convince mom and dad to let me out later and more often. I mean their stupid curfew's killing my social life man. I'm nearly 20 for God's sakes, jeezus.

Maybe I shall try the drama mama tactic, the one with the bawling my eyes out and whimpering and begging. Hopefully it works coz I sooo need more freedom if I wanna go out with my pals.

I feel like dying. I'm so depressed beyond anything. I envy Kejin for being pretty, well-off and just plain wonderful and lovable. I wish I can be like her too =(

But I do feel sorry that she's in a very unsetting position right now when it comes to the matters of the heart coz she deserves so much better than all these crap that's been bugging her. Keep your head up high babe, you'll find someone who'll be very good to you someday. Don't be sad, a babe like you don't need to worry so much. Men will fall at your feet sooner or later =)

I feel like bawling my eyes out. Fuck you bitch, fuck you.

FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I LOST EVERYTHING.

I AM NOTHING. NOTHING.

WORTHLESS LITTLE PIECE OF CRAP.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

+

Met up with Kejin on Saturday to shop and it's the bestest shopping spree I've had in a looong time!!! Thanks gurly!! We each bought Topshop undies and I got myself 2 Zara tops while she got her Esprit top. She's looking great as always and it's nice to know that there's someone else out there who's facing the same problems, having the same mindset pertaining certain issues and truly understands what I'm going through, ie the broken heart segment... It's so funny coz when we talk, we'll go like 'Yaaar! Sameee!' like every 10 minutes. It's like, I'm just so happy to be able to pour out everything to her and she truly truly understands coz she's going through the same thing! Shall update photos tomorrow =)

Ya know, like whenever I want to go shopping or tanning, I have to beg, cry and fight with Hab just to accompany me. Little do I know that there's my best friend of more than a decade named Kejin who actually enjoys doing all these things with me. And Gloria of course =) But I think Gloria's been busy. I think. Now I shall not even bother screaming and losing my sanity with Hab coz all I have to do is to ask Kejin and she'll always be game. Yay!! Oh oh oh!! And and and she dosn't mind taking up tennis or kickboxing or pilates with me, unlike Hab who isn't interested. So yay yay yay! Haha! Of course, Hab isn't bad, she's just different from me. So I'll just do other activities with her that she doesn't hate.

Met Hab to break fast after that and had dinner at Sushi Tei at Taka. We searched the entire Taka for a Sushi Tei on the 2nd floor, only to realize that it's actually located OUTSIDE the building, at the back where the taxi stand is. It's so cool man, it's just like 1 place on it's own serving yummilicious stuff. So anyhoos, we spent like $55 worth of Japanese food. Had 11 plates of sushi, some udon soup thingy that's so huge that the both of us couldn't even finish 1 bowl, some very very nice miso soup that's so little that we had to fight over it, some extremely delicious tiger prawn tempura and a round of drinks. We sat there for like 2 hours. Hahaha! People around us come and go but we were still plonked there eyeing the food and the menu. Wanted to try the desserts but we were too full to even breathe properly; let alone consume MORE food =P

When I was sitting down, I realized that my tummy was like way bigger than my tits man. Aiks. Scary sight I tell you.

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Went out with Mom on Sunday to the tailor's to collect my hari raya outfit, but it was so tight around the chest area that the minute I walked, the buttons popped. Paisei sia. Tsk. We visited my uncle at SGH and the old fella in the bed opposite of my uncle's son is sooo cute! -swoons- Tall, tanned and cute. I couldn't stop staring from behind my Clockwork Orange book. You know what's the best part? He looked at me 4 times from behind his Newpaper. Grin grin grin.

So eer.. I've been a good kiddo. I've been fasting like I should. But I've been taking waaay too many taxi rides =( Sorry Hab!!

Yaaay! Nice or not the GUK thingy up there?? Heh heh... I did myself okay. hahaha! Okay it's not a big deal as compared to all the other adobe and dunno what thingy-schmingy things that arty farty people do on their sites, but I guess this would do for now til I learn how to use more advanced softwares.

=)

Saw Scorpion and Esther yesterday at Jurong East on the way home with Hab, they look sooo cute together, I was like grinning away like a fool, like I always do when I see cute couples.

Hab and I had a huge fight yesterday though but I got to eat my Egyptian dinner meal in the end. Heh.

Work now. Wearing my favourite FCUK tshirt. I hope I don't dirty it the way I stained the pink FCUK one. Sigh...

I miss hanging out with Colin, Des, Gene and Calvin so badly. It's been such a bummer to be at home sulking while watching TRL, knowing that the boys are out having their own fun. Sigh...

Cheerios.

I must remember that address. Yeah.

Listening to Get Up Kids makes me wanna cry, it reminds me of Des.

I'm currently reading A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess but I saw the movie when I was 16 with Is in my living room. I remember distinctively how infuriated I was at the violence yet I was strangely drawn to the sexual content in that curious manner the way a 16 year old would. The violence was revolting so I ducked into Is's armpits every time something terrible happens.

They (Alex and his gang) pinned the lady against a wall, cut out her clothes where the tits and private parts are and they held her there, with 3 holes in her clothing (Yes, at those areas only). She was gang raped standing up so imagine how painful and traumatizing it was for her. Apparently she died after that.

They held the husband back and made him watch them rape his old but hot blond wife. Goddamn sickos.

In another scene, it's a milk bar with literally only milk and cows everywhere. But the twist is that the milk are spiked, with all sorts of drugs I can't imagine that existed in the 60s. The place's filled with super hot hippie chicks, lying around drugged out and half naked. The kind of cows displayed are the type of statue cows you see at Marche, so it's kinda cute really.

Then there's the scene with the protaganist Alex having sex with 2 cute chicks, one after the other non-stop. The scene lasted a mere 15 minutes even though it's a fast-forwarded scene. It's like, you can see them naked doing all sorts of positions a threesome can do, from the minute they stripped to the minute they put their clothes back on. Hmm....

Now you know why I'm pretty much drawn to such a twisted story. It's not that I'm a pervert, far from that coz afterall I am a woman. It's just the most shocking thing I've seen in my entire life that even porn doesn't measure up to the crudeness of it all. But beyond the crudeness, violence and sexuality lies the simple notion of the artistic value apparently. Stanley Kubrick infuriated Burgess with his version of the stopry but sad to say, the Kubrick version is the more widely accepted rather than the original Burgess version. (The Kubrick version ends pessimistically whereas the Burgess' ends optimistically. I shall not divulge exactly how; you go read it. Ha.)

Which makes me think, where do we draw the line between art and porn? Hmm...

It's a turn on to see such insane avant garde sex on the telly, doesn't it? And it's not flawless perfect people starring but instead normal dysfunctional people like us.

Which makes me come to a conclusion that I'm dysfunctional enough to enjoy such things. Hmm...

That's a photo of Gloria and I; a long long time ago when I could actually fit into a size 26 pair of Levis. I miss Gloria. And my old Levis obviously. Haha.

I miss Kejin.
I miss Ivan.
I miss Azza.
I miss Andrew.
I miss Faezan.
I miss Colin.
I miss Eugene.
I miss Calvin.
I miss Flo.
I miss Giam.
I miss Ow.
I miss Kamaru.
I miss Zul.
I miss Scorpion.
I msss Felly.
I miss Aidah.
I miss Dessy most of all.

I miss all the people I used to hang out with. I remember the past 2 years distinctively. Going out with so many people every week and it was like, crazy people. The people I'm out with are either smoking addicts, drug addicts, homosexuals, band freaks, art freaks, photography freaks, studying freaks, chiongster freaks, perverted freaks, boyfriend-crazy freaks, boobies-crazy freaks, sex freaks or just a plain freak.

Somebody's always sleeping with someone else they're not supposed to.

Or someone just discovered the joys of homo or hetero sex.
Or someone discovered a band and thus thinking he/she is sooo superior
(ie: TRENT. haha).
Or someone just can't leave home without her $2000 camera.
Or someone falls in love with the best friend's enemy.
Or someone decidied to just snip off and dye her hair red.
Or someone decided to have sex at the Esplanade toilet
(And got caught at that!).
Or someone decides to lose weight so she just smokes and eats apples
(ie: me).
Or someone decides to take photos and videocam sexual activies.
Or someone would feel like dying just because she didn't go to Zouk last weekend
(ie: Kejin hahaha).
Or someone just can't help but to ogle at all boobies.
Or someone finger fucks in the middle of Esplanade's bay area.
Or someone just does a super crazy thing that makes me laugh and smile and ponder and want to do too.

This reminiscing kinda makes me smile but.

But.

But
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I'm so desperate to cry. The tears are threateningly heavy and they're just dying to spillover. BUt I can't. Like somehow crying would just make me feel worse and not better. Duh.

I can't get my old life back. Let's face it, I have tonnes of problems that aren't even close to being solved. There's bills to pay, a contract to abide to and education to think about.

I HAVE TO GROW UP AND BE AN ADULT.

Boooooo.

Bummer.

Will I come back to your crazy worlds of late nights, insane sex and endless smoking? I'd love to but I really can't. I'm in absolute misery just trying to be good and sane. It's boring man. Tsk.

I've got somebody's feelings to think of. I can't possibly hurt it like I did before. I've got to make ends meet in this household and I want to make my parents proud of me.It's hard, just thinking about why I'm working my arse off working 9 to 6 daily and giving tuition too.

I met Dessy yesterday. He's looking good and well. He hopes that things work out for me. So do I darling, so do I. But beyond this facade of smiles, laughter and insane behaviour lies me. Just sad little me who wishes for the things she can't get. Like you for instance. And money. And a hot little body with a pwetty little tattoo of a star with french words on her lower back. And of course, her navel piercing AGAIN.

He's changed. He tried Dbl O with the boys. Rides to malaysia and reading books I recommended him months ago. Tanned skin boy exuding confidence that I never saw before in the years I've known him. A certain worldly-wise seriousness blending in with his boyish charms. I could've pinned him against the wall to do what I wanted to but no, I'm a brand new person.

Cautious, sceptical and wiser new me.
I hate me. I do.

Yaay! Daddy finally gave his blessing for me to get a nice lil pwetty kitty kat. I want the grey tabby, the one with the white chest and white paws. Coz then it'll look like he's wearing stockings. Heh.

Well anyhoos, the weekend was absolutely crazy. Diddn't even get any rest! On Saturday I met Atan at Bugis and that fella was like 30 minutes late from the appointed time, even after we extended the time by another half hour. But nvm, I am a very patient person, so I'll tolerate just about anything. Yes. Yes I'm not kidding you.

Then hmm... met her at her place to play with the 3 kittens. Did I tell you guys about her 3 super adorable kittens?? Soooo cute! She picked them up at her void deck and initially we agreed that 1 of them would be mine and she'll keep the other 2. But but but she broke her promise =( She refuses to give me any so now I have to buy my own at SPCA =(

Yesterday when Mom and I were at IKEA, this crazy dude who was under psychological treatment totally lost his mind at the wood&planks section on level 1. The scenario was like this. He was looking at some ugly planks and then a kid stood next to him too. Then he started threatened the kid and said 'I kick you arh.' So the kid's dad was unhappy obviously and the kid's dad told him to back off. Next thing I knew the psycho was screaming 'YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! GET AWAY FROM ME! GO GO!! AARGH!!!' Freaky I tell you. Freaky.

Then then then... hmm... I was at the interchange on the way to teach tuition. This idiot came up to me and spoke to me in Mandarin. I told him I don't understand, so he asked me 'Do you normally speak Malay or Indian?' I answered him 'England.' You know why? BECASUE YOU SPEAK MANDARIN OR TAMIL. NOT CHINESE OR INDIAN. THOSE ARE RACES GODDAMIT. THEY ARE NOT LANGUAGES. So yes. I purposely tell him England instead of English coz serves him right for being dumb. I'm so proud of myself. Grins.

At work now. I can't believe we're allowed to use the net as and when we want. Whoopdeedoo.

Flo, I miss you. Text me. See you soon!

I've been having really strange dreams lately, worse still it's the sort of recurring dream you just can't wake up to even if you're dying to.

I dreamt many many situations but the bottomline is that Dessy ended up running away with Cheryl. And you guys know how much I hate that bitch Cheryl, especially for bending down to display her average chest in front of my then-boyfriend Dessy; AND for stealing my customers away when we were working at NTU.

I keep waking up crying with sweaty palms and forehead for a few days and I felt so fucked for the rest of the day. I hate it. I really do. I know Dessy's not mine anymore but the mere thought of him being with Cheryl really brings the fucked feeling to my guts. He can be with ANYONE for all I care, as long as it's not Cheryl man. And Liz perhaps. Coz she was a bitch to him. Sigh... I can't control his life anymore.

Anyways, started work at Singtel and I'm sooo stressed out!! We have exams on the rules and products like twice a week and the passing rate is 85%. ^$@%&??? But I got a 94% for my first test. Grins.

The colleagues are awesome and I'm happy I guess. Just exhausted.

Gtg now. Meeting Atan. Bye!

Yay I got a job and boo hoo I don't have the proper clothes but yay I get to shop but boo hoo I don't have enough dough to buy what I REALLY want. Grins anyhoos.

Hmm... Bibah's fishies died =( Funny thing is that I had a dream about her boy fish yesterday night and duh, he died in my dreams. This morning when I woke up to her phone call, she told me he died yesterday night. Isn't that absolutely interesting?? Coincidental or just plain eer... ESP? Haha

And I miss Dessy and I am totally sorry honey I blew you off in the previous entries. I'm such a biatch, REAL biatch. Paisei paisei ;)

Dessy's very nice person, remember that. He isn't the jack ass I made him out to be. Well excuse me too coz I was just bitter okay??

Okie dokie gotta go now!

Yay!!