Ooops.

The commentary on MANGO sale was just a personal point of view ya? Don't take offence anyone. I read so many blogs ranting and raving about the MANGO sale and there I was dissing the sale like nobody's business... Don't take offence people...

The tsunami disaster is such heartbreak. We've been donating money at the boxes that are provided at NTUCs. I can't donate much when I myself am bankrupt from all the compulsive shopping, but I do hope that my small amounts will go a long way... My relatives kept urging me to donate supplies at somewhere near Tekka for the Sri Lankan victims. I read Flo's blog and she has a similar donation drive posted on her blog too. It's really nice to know that Singaporeans are going the extra mile to help people we've never seen or heard from in our entire lives.

But those Singaporeans who keep whining about getting their refunds for the Phuket air tix piss the crap out of me. I mean, hello? Thousands of people are either dead or missing and all you can think of is your stupid refund? It will be credited back to you man, just wait til everything's settled or something. Stupid fools. I encounter such Singaporeans everyday at work. Calling us in, asking us to waive off charges for things that they used. Why should we believe that you didn't call any 1900 numbers or sms to Singapore IDOL? Detailed bills don't lie man. Scroogey Singaporeans do.

Anyways, Daddy bought me a nice suede-ish feeling leather watch from FOSSIL last week. It was strange to walk around town in my skimpy top and jeans with my tudong mother and super fierce looking Dad. But I don't feel embarrassed walking with my parents in town, it's just that I was just feeling uncomfortable coz I wasn't properly attired. Didn't have time to go home and change after work la...

Hehehe... I love my watch!!! Thank you Bah!!!! So sweet of him... AND he's getting me the Panasonic X400 IF there is stock at PS. Poor Mom and Dad... they've been to Bugis, UOB and where else but no stock. They are so nice to me...

+

Somebody I thought I lost is back within my grip. He's been calling and smsing me and when he sees me, he'll turn the chair to watch wherever I go. Nice nice nice. I think it's because of the new hair. Haha. I hope something will develop man. But then again... I might be on a rebound. Am I gurls?

+

Opium's growing fast. She's the most adorable intelligent cheeky blue-eyed candy pink pawed button nose red mouthed kitten I've ever seen! But so so naughty... I love my kitty kat =) Every morning when I wake up or every night before I sleep, I feel happy just to be able to cuddle her or let her abuse me with her vampiric fangs & pontianak claws. I love Opium =)

Met Aidah to have sushi lunch last week. Hahaha. She is sooo funny as always! Gossip gossip eh? *shhhh* We ate til we were so boncet, I went home and puked. Hahaha.

Been to town everyday since Friday and the MANGO sale is just so disappointing man. The women go insane as always during MANGO sales, but I walked around everyday for 5 days straight yet I can't pick out something I like. Well actually, I only fancied 1 top but they didn't have the colour nor size anywhere. It seemed to me that these women just buy buy buy bags and bags of MANGO stuff for the sake of buying. What's the point of picking out ugly stuff just for the sake of the brand and the sale? Tsk... but I got stuff from G2000, Metro and Topshop though. Oh, on Saturday, we had to queue up for like 30 minutes just to enter Topshop with my mom's OUB credit card. I mean, what if those kids who love to spend their cash don't own a OUB credit card? They can't go to Topshop to shop? It's so ridiculous. But what the hey, I got in and I got my stuff so yay for me!

Anyhoos, my favourite highest high heels were stolen. Aaaargh!! It's my favouriteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! I sumpah whoever who stole it will break her legs within the next 1 year man... grrr.... I can't believe it was stolen! And I realized that 1 of my super old x:odus slippers are gone too, but I don't care coz that thing's already like 5 years old.

And eer... alot of stuff has been happening but I simply can't remember. Sigh...

Happy new year everyone.

I wanna stay in crummy hotels, smoke pot and then have great sex, bathe together and wake up to have all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet, roam the streets like nomads coz we know we're young, beautiful and in love.

I wanna tan in the buff at some exotic island far away, swim in clear waters while imagining I'm flying, down tasty margaritas in a foreign pub that'll cost 1/4 of what they charge in Singapore, write poetry that'll consume my entire capabilty to think and then float around like a zombie amidst the crowds or by the secluded beach.

Just as long as I'm with you.

+

Suddenly travelling doesn't sound like such a chore anymore after I heard that. Except for the sex part. Haha.

+

Got my hair cut and straightened. Wanted to have huge waves but the stylist insisted that my hair's got too many layers, hence it was unadvisable. Honestly, I just think he was trying to cheat my money coz straightlining costs more than twice of perming. So now I'm back to my old fringy hair. I look like a cheena gila. Well at least now my hair's easier to manage. And oh, I don't even want to talk about how much it costed me. Lets just say I'll never go back to The Scene ever again.

Met up with Faezan and Colin yesterday. Will post up the polaroid shots if I can get somebody to scan it for me. Haha

It was awesome. Met Faezan to slack at BK Liat first then went shopping with Colin. The dude lost so much weight, he's looking hot! Really! Grins.

It's bad enough that I slept at 2am yesterday night coz work ended at 12. And I have to wake up at 6am this morning. AND I had to walk in the rain to work coz I forgot to bring my wallet to take a cab to work like I always do. AND I can't buy the earrings I saw at Topshop that I wanted badly, even though everyone keeps telling me it looks the same as one of the pairs I already own, only a different colour. Can somebody give my hands a teeny weeny slap to stop me from buying things I DON'T need from TOPSHOP, please! Everytime I enter that shop, my itchy hands would pick this out, that out, anything out! If I don't see anything I like, I'll just buy underwear. Buy buy buy. Now what happens to me? I'm left with 20 bucks til my next payday, which is in 1 week's time. Tsk.

Oh and I bought this glittery belt for 29 bucks, only to come home and realize that it doesn't match ANY of my clothes. Worse still, the belt doesn't go all around my hips, there's like a 4 inch gap coz I've got fleshy hips. Haaaaaaaa! Stupid stupid stupid... I went in, and in 10 minutes I was out with a stupid grin on my face, thinking that I got such a good buy for such a pretty satin glittery belt and when I got home, the stupid grin got wiped out, replaced by an upside down smile and tears instead. I hate to waste moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

(Yeah right. hahaha. I only hate to waste on unneccesary things lah.)

And my library fines have gone up to around $60 total coz I just realized I've blacklisted my mom's and bro's cards too... hai. Bills, bills, bills. Looky looky Siti can't spend her money! =( I love to buy pretty things. With brands. And a nice price tag isn't a neccessity but it'll be an advantage. Haha.

Got into contact with the gorgeous Angeline and I soooooo hope we'll be meeting soon =( Haven't seen her in weeks man...

And ..........


I feel ugly as hell.
My eyes are threaded so thinly like a chow ah lian's. Stupid tangkechi...
I'm losing weight enough that my Levis hangs on my hips like saggy old skin. And there's extra cloth at the backside area of the Guess one.
The pimples are going going gone. But the scars are staying staying staying.
Birthdays of dear ones all around, but all I did was to buy myself gifts, instead of for them. Naughty me.
I would like to meet Kejin and Aidah soon. I miss their infectious laughter.
I would like to go jamming with them boys soon coz I miss having my eardrums shatter.
My hair's looking more and more Filipino maid-ish by the day. When I go out on Sundays, the maids will look at me with understanding with the have-fun-today-before-going-back-to-being-a-slave-to-spoilt-singaporeans look. Hai... I can only look back with equal fondness.
Been working my ass off to earn the wee bit extra to pay for the sky high bills. And perhaps have enough left to pick out some nice stuff at the FCUK & Guess sales.

Other than that, work sucks. People here are awesome. They are so real. Like, everyone has a dark secret or problems that I can relate to, and they aren't even pretending to be happy and normal. It's great I tell ya. Haha.

Went to the dentist the other day for scaling and I'm absolutely elated with the results! Now Hab can't call me gigi karat anymore... which means rusty teeth. I guess the smoking's been poluting my poor teeth... but with just 15 minutes in the dentist's chair, all the rustiness is gone!! It's just so smooth and my gums aren't bleeding anymore; they're dark pink and I feel gooooood. Grins. Oh did I mention I was wringing my hands in pain, no? Well yeah, in a bid to have nice teeth, I had to go thru 15 minutes of absolute torture. Fuck shit man, I even teared. It's like your gums and teeth are being drilled... Shouldn't have avoided all those dental appointments for the past 3 years, never thought it'd be this easy to get nicer teeth. Haha. Looking forward to the next dental appointment in 2 weeks time!

Oh God every single member of my family spent $20 for voting for Taufiq. My bill's gonna die man. hahaha

+

Bought a pair of Guess jeans yesterday!!!I looked at the new Levis 593 faded colours; then I saw the Guess jeans and I decided to pay $150 for the Guess one rather than $135 for the Levis one coz I just have a sudden change of heart. I mean, Levis is so common that even Filipino maids wear them. And minahs. And Ah Lians. Oh jeez you guys know how I feel about such people... haha.

Hab and I bought earrings, hair clips and spent our money on Ben and Jerry's and all types of junk food and I'm so totally broke man =P

She's working at NYDC Heeren these days and I'm just so happy for her! Free food free food free food... *chants* hahaha. Ice-cream!

+

Why were you so mean to me?

You don't know this and I've never showed it to you but you're the only one whom I've always had a soft heart for since the day I laid my eyes on you.

You chose her. She; she who piles onto her face 5 inches of blusher (lovin' the rosies ey?). She; she who flirts with countless of men when she's already attached. She who knows damn well the power of her 'prettiness' to make full use of what she wants. She who ignores you unless she needs your help or things.

I; I who dreamt of you. I; I who felt ugly and terrible about myself because of you. I who smiled at you abundantly, I who laughed at your unfunny jokes, I who tolerated your strange brand of English.

Past tense darling. Gone and over with, God bless my soul.

I; I who am ugly with a big nose, bad skin, buck teeth, scarred legs, big belly, unruly Medusa hair, bushy untrimmed eyebrows, without a trace of make up and the unsightly body hair. Only guilty for having a soft spot for you. I'm not even saying I liked you, I'm just saying I felt hurt that you should behave the way you did. Fancy showering the plastic blusher face with those words and using the contrary on me, ey?

Maybe I'm on a rebound, it might not even be your fault. It might just be me over analyzing things. Might.

I thought I saw another Desmond in you. I saw a sweet Chinese man with a handsome face and athletic body, and a car to drive occasionally. Who was once so sweet to me. You sent me home. Many times. Nobody but Des sends me home. But I discovered multitudes and platitudes and fuckitudes of disconcerting attitude problem that made you a world apart from Des's character. Des was unpretensious and simple. You're just scheming and fickle and superficial.

We drifted apart in a span of 2 weeks because of time constraints and now you're not even half the person I thought you were. I must have been gravely wrong about you. How tragic.

What's this about treating me lesser just because you think I'm not as pretty as she is? Why don't I start piling on the gaudy coloured lenses, the tubes of mascara, the layers of concealer, foundation and blusher? Why don't I flirt with you and pretend to be helpless while batting my eyelashes and perch strategically on your desk? Oh why don't I might as well give you a fucking blowjob and then we can all go out for a nice shopping spree, ey? Fuck you.

Would that make you like me more? Would that make you say things that I once thought was the essence of melting my hard-as-stone soul?

Go to hell asshole.

+

I am ugly.
I'm not anywhere near the babe I used to be. Or I thought I was anyway.
Long gone are the days of the glowing tanned skin, washboard tummy, size 24 waistline, low rise jeans and skirts that threatened to spill my derriere, the tight little tops that showed 5 inches of my mid-section, and the happy perky face and ass.

Do you guys remember those days when I loved taking photos? When I was an absolute camera whore? I'd take everything of me, I loved myself so much to the point of being disgusting. I even took photos of my shadow. And oh remember the half nude photos? Hahaha. That was absolutely funny and awesome.

Now?

I'm just haggard, tired, withdrawn, sick, fat, ugly, sad, hopeless, crazy and fucked.

I don't even look at the mirror when I'm at the work toilet. And I visit that sanctuary like 7 times a day.

Hello world, I want to live forever in misery.

Dial 1900-SHINY-HAPPY-PEOPLE if you feel the occasional bout of insanity kicking in.

Whoopdeedoo I'll see you.

+

I sit here in my room, reading and reading, devouring anything I can get my hands on. When I'm too tired to read, I start counting whatever that's in view. Colours, shapes, words, alphabets. This loneliness sets in but there's a song playing in my head. I envision tattoos bleeding with names of people staining my heart, some happy rainbow memories, some tear inducing ones. None of you really loved me, none. All your words were sugar coated lies. You stopped loving me a long time before you left. And you think you're in love with me now but you're just clinging onto what's left coz you haven't found anyone better. And you who claims to love me like a precious little princess but keeps ruining my life time and again, yet I love you endlessly. You who saw love as a physical thing rather than an emotionally blinding affair, I hope you have AIDS now. And you who devoted an entire year in the name of loving me? You weren't in love, you were just pathetic and I just so happened to be within reach coz I was pathetic then too. And I still am I think. And then there was you who gave me your everything in the name of love... you poor soul, you were not in love either. Yeap. You were just fascinated that a JC gurl was actually interested in what you had to say. Plus you were thrilled to find out that JC gurls can be fucked up too. I was more of a prized possession in your eyes, rather than a soulmate.

Will anyone ever truly fall in love with me on a clean slate? Without hearing of nasty rumours about me first, or without encountering the fucked side of me first, or without knowledge of my past? I think not. I think I'm doomed. Singapore's so small, everyone knows everybody else. I'm dead. Bang.

+

Is it just me or are they just plain irritating?

It's one MONTH, one DAY. Not one MONTHS, one DAYS. Oh God can you imagine how infuriating it is to be surrounded by people who speak like that at work? And our job is to advise customers. My God what is the world coming to...

Her nails-on-chalkboard annoyingness frustrates the crap out of me. For God's sakes, didn't any part of your 21 years in school taught you the most basic of grammar and nouns? Excuse me for being a snob but really, I'm not expeceting you to speak with avante garde carpe diem cest la vie je taime c'est moi delifrance monsieur type of flair; I don't even expect you to be able to pronounce the word rendezvous but good lord, do us all the favour and shut your trap if you know you're lousy at this language. I mean, I'm not accusing you; you confessed it yourself. And your paranoia, my goodness. You don't have to practically pee in your pants over small mistakes. We are humans afterall and making mistakes is our forte. Why bother asking me for answers when you'd go on and ask somebody else anyways? Best part is, that person will tell you the same thing I did. Hah. You make sweeping statements, thinking damn highly of yourself. Can't you see how foolish you look and sound? I can only nod and stare with bewildered eyes at you. You actually thought I approved of your ridiculous statements. I feel sorry for you.

+

I'm being an absolute meanie. I think I'd grow into a bitter widow surrounded by fat cats; in fact it's already happening. I'm bitter and I'm surrounded by fat cats. 20 years down the road, the widow part will kick in.

Let's listen to the Manic Street Preachers and Jeff Buckley and drown our sorrows and carve pretty things on our ugly bodies and laugh bitterly at our tragic endings to an otherwise glamorous youth we lived even amidst the emotionally wounding moments.

Oh you know you can't save my empty soul.