The truth is not kind.
And you'e said neither am I.

Nothing's so cold
as closing the heart when all we need
is to free the soul.
But we wouldn't be that brave i know.

+

Is it so difficult to want someone you love to love you back? All she wanted was to feel wanted, needed. Touched, loved and happy. She just wanted to please, and be pleased in return. It's only right, right? Still she could see it coming, the chance to say goodbye.

In.
A.
State.
Of.
Confusion, confused, confusing.

+

Too many people. In. This. Life. Rollercoaster.

I can't make a decision. When someone seems perfect, when he/she sets my heart aflutter; I'll discover something despicable about him/her the day after. Am I cursed to living this life alone, as a spinster or something? I'm not sure if leading this life is good at all my reputation, health and basically my entire well being.They nag, they try to instil some ideas into my head to do the right thing but the right thing is so boring, ya know? I'm not one for boringness, I'm one for fun and crazy fucked up shite. But my hands are shaking. Parties, drinking and all things sinful. Next week is when the fasting month starts and this is what I do for now. I've got a conscience so why THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF??????

Star gazing with them but all I think about is you. When I despise you so much for treating me this way? It's not fair. What I did was wrong. I don't want to think about it much but when everyone's asleep it's a goddamn asylum; this mind of mine. All the things that I never told any of you. It haunts and it pesters to be settled. Everything that I want seems impossible, the problems amounting day by day. When the gun's loaded, it'll set fire when I discover some dignity in me.

I don't think I'll be going back ever again.

+

So much to say, so little words to describe what I feel inside. I'm tormented, do you know that? I can't cry, the tears just refuse to flow. It's frustrating. I let it out the best way I can; talk. Talk. And more talk. But they don't care. They only want one thing from me. They listen and then they try. They advise and pretend to care and then they try again. Sometimes i give in to what my mind tells me NOT to do. Sometimes I leave. Most times I give in. The things I do just so I can get a few minutes of 'concern' from them. Tsk.

I should be getting paid man.

Gay or Not Gay? by tashay17
LJ Name
Favorite Color
Gay or Not Gay?	Gay... very gay
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Oh dear God. I am?

+

Sleeping at 5 or 6 am everyday for one whole week straight isn't good, innit?

Had dinner with the parents at Breeks yesterday. Tears spilled, chokes held back and food passed all over the table. It was warm. It was civil. I love my parents.

But that doesn't mean I'm moving back in.

Coz I love this crazy life more.

Us gurls at Momo on Wednesday night whereby pills were popped and new friends were made. Slept at 6.30am coz we hung out at jalan Kayu with the boys after Momo.



On Thursday night at DblO. Slept at 5am but DblO was awesome. We bought 3 jugs for ourselves, then a cute dude bought us 3 jugs of tequila lime, THEN he invited us to join his table which was FULL of Jim Beam and other stuff! So cool lar! Happy happy night. Tee hee hee

Sleeping around when you're already attached isn't good right? So why do you do it? You know perfectly well how much he means to you, yet every night you sneak out to get screwed over and over again by some other dude. Is there something wrong with your head, like you're retarded or something? Tsk tsk tsk... I'm just so disgusted man.

+

I left home to be away from the parents' clutches. I don't need any of you to be a goddamn parent now that I'm on my own.

Do not clamp down on me.
Do not question me.
Do not call or message me non-stop just because I didn't reply.
Do not attempt to stalk me.
Do not attempt to blackmail me.
Do not nag and scold because whatever you're telling me, I already know.
Do not tell me what to do because my mind's made up.

Because you see; my dear dear darlings; I'm not one to listen and obey what you have to say. I shall never be tame neither will I change my ways unless I feel like it because as I've said earlier, I never listen to anyone but myself. Well it's unfortunate that you think that I'm a wild fucked up chick for now but I'm really in control of my life financially and emotionally.

I appreciate all the concern and the love I'm getting from everyone but really, don't go overboard and try to control me. A whimsical and smiley little gurl like me has more to it than meets the eye you know.

Afterall still waters runs deep, innit?

+

It's 2.30pm and I just woke up. Lisa's still asleep despite the racket the banglas are creating next door due to the construction. She's so cute man. Anyhoos, going to her aunt's place later to get some cash then off to the gig at Novena and then Momo or Chinablack at night. It's going to be a busy busy day =)

Poptart at HOME Bar yesterday night. Woo weee!!! That's one of the Poptart fellas, Mohamed. He claimed that yesterday night's set was like taik (shit) coz of the crowd and the guest DJs or something, and I agree with all my might. But I like drum n bass and I like indie and I love The Cure and I don't care if they remix Blur or The Cure and I don't care if it's strange to dance to such music coz all I know is I LOVE POPTART AND I DIE DIE WANNA GO FOR THEIR NEXT SET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Apparently Mohamed said that the next set would be on a cruise ship so that's totally outta the question for me, so I'll go for their next next set instead if it's on mainland Singapore. Grins)

Bloody Baileys got me puking the minute we reached Hab's house area. Silly gurl even took photos of me puking by the sidewalk. Hahaha.

So that's that and I think I'm going insane trying to please you and you and you, so let me party next week and I'll be fine!

Yay!

Love is such a strange thing.

Fuelled by fiery passion but daunted by blurry minds, I'm not happy that you turn out to be what I fear the most; someone I can't let go of.

Remember the old days of staying up late playing Puzzle Bobble or Uno? The times when we painted and I sat awkwardly on the floor like a nyonya kalah judi (nyonya losing in gambling)? When all of your time, money and efforts were channelled towards me?

I miss them so much, when we were free of conflicts and we both knew who we loved most.

But now is different, mostly the fault is mine; but you're to blame too for the initial mistakes.

I've said time and again, once you fuck up and I'm rendered love-less, it's too late. Coz I never change my feelings.

+

Alcoholics annonymous.



My dream car. A Jaguar!

Fucked up week. Been so sick with the goddamn flu, fever, cough and sorethroat yet some colleagues are just plain assholes. It's funny that when you're always there to help people out when they fuck up; but when YOU need their help, they'll blatantly deny any form of assistance every single goddamn time. Makes me so so mad!

Anyhoos, went to Sentosa with the boyfriend yesterday and it was fun! Capital F-U-N man! Grins. Initial plan was for me to tan while the sun's out and he to swim coz he doesn't wanna get darker. In the end, he ended up tanned and I'm still as yellow as ever. Haha. And we spent 3 hours building sandcastles! Like a whole neighbourhood man! Shall upload photos of the gorgeous sight once his mobile is MMS acivated.

Fucking out now.

Grrrrrrr.

That us; Lisa, Sri and I before heading down to HRC with the boys yesterday night. HRC sucks man. So many Malays in so such a tight place with such bright lights? No way jose, not my kinda place.



Poor boys fell asleep even before we left for the club coz we gurls took 2hrs to get ready. Hahahaha.



Happy me at Ice Cube near Chomp Chomp =) Can't believe our ice cream thingys costed nearly $10 each when it's such a plain thing!



Unhappy and disappointed Bibah coz her dish was so plain and it tasted blah. Haha. Poor babe.

The cookie you got me to cheer me up.



Peachy!



Netty!



Hot bike! Hotter chick? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah



Sulky boy.



Chomp Chomp with Hab.



That's a mostest gigantic sugar cane drink!



5 outta 9 of the Hotboyz's bikes.

That's us at Momo on Wednesday night. Lisa, Maureen, Sri, Vanessa, me and Ina. Haha. It was a crazy night man, really.
And that's my bellybutton stud that Sri's wearing coz my 2nd piercing fell out even before I had a chance to wear that dangly stud =(



That's a building I saw at Bugis and I was so taken in! I mean, it's the first building I've seen that's got gargoyles on it! Reminded me of Gotham City or like the Ghostbusters show. Haha.





So this is where I'm staying at. Awesome awesome place. A mess but awesome all the same. Grins. Imagine a home with absolutely no adults; you can come in and out whenever you want. Smoke, drink, party or screw, whichever you indulge in whenever you want. (NO it doesn't mean that I indulge inall of those okay. I'm just saying it.) Invite friends over and play drinking games or cook for friends and watch DVDs. I absolutely love this life lar.






Trent, Hab and I at Bugis the other day chilling at Starbucks. I swear to you, if not for the tonnes of vouchers that I have, I'd NEVER hang out at Starbucks coz I prefer Coffee Bean so much better man.

And no, I wasn't like high or anything. Just teasing Trent coz she looks like a hamster. Hahaha.

At her house now with the boyfriend, Sri and her boyfriend. In approximately 2hrs I'm gonna be dead drunk. Wanna bet? Nevermind. Haha.

Cooked for Lisa, Maureen and the gang Spanish Omelette, mashed potatoes and broccoli thingy schmingy. I miss home cooked food =( I miss mom's food to be precise...

So is this the way life's gonna be from now on? No exact plans, no exact achievements I'd like to conquer and moving from one house to the other after a night of partying and only 3 hours of sleep. It's getting outta hand, this crazy life of mine. It's going beyond boundaries that I never thought I'd cross. I gotta stop.

Wait a second. That's what I ALWAYS say but I never get it done. Fuck.

Just got back from partying at Momo with my beloved Sri, Lisa, Ina, Maureen, Zan, Shane and Ina's unnamed friend. Haha.

Not drunk but feeling crappy. Feet hurts like hell. Was a good night, what with Sri and Vanessa's Ms Tropicana do-the-catwalk-like-you-do-it-all-the-time fronts. Haha. Good good good all the way =)

Been partying too much. Much too much. Stop it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grins.

+

Saturday night's FluidBar was awesome. And no I wasn't the door bitch coz I turned up at the bar like 3 hrs late. Just spent the night being a social butterfly and enjoying the show and drinks. Congrats Trent =) Can't believe you pulled off sucha awesome party with a fashion show and a live band at such an awesome bar! So many people were there, drinks were free flow (Only beer lar... can't be too fussy. Haha.) And it's sucha small world, ya know? Everyone seems to know everyone else.

Spent the earlier part of Saturday at MICA Building for KOK's gig. Surprisingly lotsa kids turned up right before KOK played. Haha.

+

Moved outta the house. Shall not divulge on any info on where I'm staying right now but let's just say that I'm staying in a super cool private property and I feel like a queen staying here with this particularly super cool friend. Good luck to me. Cheers.

+

Why does everyone else's love story seems to be so much more lurveley than mine? Am I even experiencing the right kinda love to begin with coz I'm having doubts right now. As I read blogs with my kaypoh specs on in this million dollar home that's not mine, I feel tears welling up in my eyes and cheeks flushed with disappointment. Why can't I have it easy the way you people do? Why can't i just give myself to one and only that ONE? Well I wish I could but then it's just not right coz of unbelievably stupid circumstances. But if I were to follow my head and do the right thing, then that's why I'm so unhappy now, innit? If I were to follow my heart, I'll be fulfilled but I don't wanna be a bitch. Oh dear God. What is a gurl to do when she's in a sitch like mine?